7 Relationship Habits That Slowly Destroy Love and How to Stop Them: How to Replace Destructive Patterns With Real Connection

Falling in love can feel effortless. Staying in love? That takes conscious effort, vulnerability, and a commitment to growth—both as individuals and as partners. But what happens when the connection starts to fade? When arguments replace affection, or the excitement you once felt gets buried under routine and resentment?

At Walk With Me Counseling Center in Chicago, Illinois, we often hear clients say:
“We used to be so close—what happened?”
The truth is, many couples unconsciously fall into habits that create distance, not closeness. These behaviors, often rooted in fear, insecurity, or a desire for control, slowly chip away at the foundation of a healthy relationship. Over time, you may not even realize that what you're clinging to is no longer love—but a fantasy of it.

Understanding the “Fantasy Bond”

The term fantasy bond, coined by Dr. Robert Firestone, refers to a false sense of closeness couples create when they substitute genuine emotional intimacy with the illusion of connection. Think going through the motions of a relationship—date nights, holidays, shared routines—without truly engaging with your partner on an emotional level. The outward structure remains, but the internal bond is fragile.

This bond often forms as a defense mechanism. Real intimacy requires vulnerability, and vulnerability can be scary—especially for those who’ve experienced rejection, betrayal, or trauma. Instead of risking emotional exposure, many people shut down, replace connection with control, and settle for “safe” but unfulfilling routines.

The good news? You can break free from this cycle. By recognizing these harmful patterns and choosing healthier ways to relate, you can rebuild a relationship based on trust, authenticity, and mutual respect.

Let’s take a closer look at seven behaviors that quietly destroy love—and how to reverse them.

1. Reacting Defensively to Feedback

Try: Listening with openness and curiosity

When your partner shares how they feel, do you get defensive, roll your eyes, or snap back? That reaction is usually a form of self-protection—but it also shuts down communication. Over time, your partner may stop opening up altogether.

Instead of immediately dismissing their feedback, look for the truth kernel. For example, if your partner says, “I feel like you’re not present when we talk,” resist the urge to argue. Ask yourself, Is that true? Have I been distracted lately?

Responding with empathy rather than anger creates safety in the relationship. It tells your partner, You matter. Your feelings matter. And that goes a long way in rebuilding emotional intimacy.

2. Resisting New Experiences

Try: Staying curious and open

When relationships start, everything feels new and exciting. But over time, many couples fall into rigid routines. You might hear phrases like:

l “We always eat at that restaurant.”

l “You know I don’t do that kind of stuff.”

It’s normal to have preferences, but when we become closed off to new experiences—especially ones our partner is excited about—we limit our relationship’s potential to grow.

Keep exploring together. Whether it’s a new hobby, a different cuisine, or a spontaneous weekend trip, shared novelty strengthens your bond and keeps things fresh.

3. Saying One Thing, Doing Another

Try: Aligning your actions with your words

Nothing erodes trust faster than inconsistency. You might say, “I love you,” but if your actions show indifference, neglect, or contempt, your words lose meaning.

Here are a few examples of double messages:

l Saying “I support you” but constantly undermining their goals.

l Claiming “I’m not interested in anyone else” while flirting with others.

l Saying “I want closeness” but avoiding meaningful time together.

Love shows up in everyday actions. Consistency builds trust. Be honest with yourself: Do my behaviors reflect the love I claim to feel? If not, it’s time to realign your intentions with your actions.

4. Blurring Boundaries

Try: Respecting individuality

Healthy relationships are built on two whole individuals, not a merged identity. But in fantasy bonds, partners often lose their sense of self. You might hear or say:

l “We like that.”

l “We don’t go there.”

l “We don’t hang out with them.”

This fusion can lead to control, dependency, and resentment. Remember: your partner is not an extension of you. Their interests, friendships, and goals are part of what makes them attractive and unique.

Respect each other’s autonomy. Support individual growth. When both partners feel free to be themselves, the relationship becomes a safe, empowering space—not a prison.

5. Withholding Affection or Settling for Routine Sex

Try: Rekindling genuine physical connection

In the early stages of love, affection is abundant and spontaneous. But as the fantasy bond deepens, physical connection often fades or becomes mechanical. You may stop hugging, kissing, or even making eye contact.

Affection isn’t just about sex—it’s about warmth, closeness, and emotional safety. That said, sex matters too. A fulfilling physical relationship can be a vital part of intimacy.

Start with small gestures: a loving touch, a compliment, a meaningful kiss. If there are deeper issues affecting your sex life—such as shame, trauma, or communication breakdowns—therapy can be an essential space to explore those dynamics safely.

6. Seeing Your Partner Through a Distorted Lens

Try: Practicing compassionate realism

Do you idealize your partner one day and resent them the next? Do you assume they’re judging or rejecting you, even when they aren’t?

This distorted perception often stems from unresolved past wounds. You may be projecting your own inner critic—or past relationship traumas—onto your partner.

The key is to see your partner clearly: as a real, complex human being. Not a savior, not a villain, not a mind-reader. Accept their strengths and flaws. When you love someone for who they really are—not who you wish they were—you create space for authentic connection.

7. Playing Power Games

Try: Asking directly for what you need

Control dynamics are a common pitfall in relationships. One partner becomes dominant, the other submissive. Or both play games to manipulate the other into giving them what they want.

These patterns may feel familiar or “safe,” especially if they mirror early family roles—but they are toxic over time. Manipulation, passive-aggressiveness, or emotional outbursts don’t foster closeness—they breed resentment.

Instead, be direct. Share your needs without demanding. Express your feelings without blaming. Being honest and vulnerable might feel scary, but it’s the only path to real intimacy.

You Deserve a Relationship That Nourishes You

The truth is, we all fall into these patterns sometimes—especially when we’re stressed, overwhelmed, or navigating difficult life transitions. But awareness is the first step toward change. Every relationship has the potential to grow stronger when both partners are willing to reflect, take responsibility, and reconnect intentionally.

At Walk With Me Counseling Center, we help individuals and couples in Illinois navigate the complex terrain of love, communication, and healing. Whether you’re in Chicago or another part of the state, our virtual therapy sessions make it easy to access compassionate, culturally competent support—no matter where you are.

Struggling to Break Old Patterns in Your Relationship?

Walk With Me Counseling Center is here to help. Whether you're dealing with communication breakdowns, emotional distance, or simply want to strengthen your connection, we offer virtual therapy sessions across Illinois.

Complete our Intake Form today and take the first step toward building a relationship rooted in authenticity, empathy, and real connection.

Your relationship—and your mental health—deserve attention, care, and support. Don’t wait until conflict overwhelms you. Whether you’re in Chicago or anywhere in Illinois, we're here to help you navigate love with intention.