Why "Disproportionate" Might Be the Most Important Word in Parenting

If there’s one word that could completely shift how you view your parenting journey, it’s not “patience” or “balance.” It’s not even a word that sounds particularly warm or inspiring.

The word is disproportionate.

It may not be glamorous, but understanding this one word could reshape how you respond to your child, especially when emotions run high.

This word is often the bridge between regret and repair for many parents. It shows up when you hear yourself say, "Why did I yell at my toddler like she was an adult?" or "Why did I shut down when my fifth grader lied again?" or "Why did I spiral when my teen got a C on her report card?"

The answer lies not in your parenting abilities, but in your nervous system—in the trauma app quietly running in the background.

What Is Disproportion in Parenting?

Let’s say your four-year-old just dumped spaghetti on the floor again. You’ve told him three times to stop. Your back is aching, the floor was just cleaned, and your patience is paper-thin. You snap.

Moments later, you feel a wave of guilt. How did I just scream at a preschooler over pasta?

Or your teen brushes off a failing grade with a shrug. You panic, imagining college rejection letters and a doomed future. You lecture, escalate, and afterward feel helpless.

In both cases, your response was disproportionate to the actual event.

But here’s the key insight: disproportionate reactions are rarely about the child’s behavior.

They’re about your nervous system. They’re about your unhealed trauma.

The Trauma App and Its Role in Parenting

In Post-Traumatic Parenting, the concept of the "trauma app" explains why we sometimes respond to our children in ways that don’t align with our values. This "app" was developed during your early years to keep you safe—particularly if you grew up in environments of chaos, rejection, or neglect.

The trauma app learned how to detect danger. But it can be overactive. It flags behavior like eye-rolling or backtalk as threats, and it overrides your calm, rational brain with fight, flight, or freeze responses.

How Disproportion Shows Up

Disproportionate responses can look like:

Exploding when your child sighs or rolls their eyes.

Freezing in response to a sarcastic comment that triggers old memories.

Panicking when your child refuses to share, believing they’re growing up selfish.

Over-apologizing to avoid conflict.

Trying too hard to be liked by your child, fearing rejection means you’re a failure.

Spiraling in shame after a conflict.

Each of these responses has one thing in common: they are not about what’s happening in the moment. They are old wounds echoing into the present.

Disproportion Is a Clue, Not a Character Flaw

A disproportionate response is your nervous system saying, "I don’t feel safe."

When your preschooler throws a tantrum and you feel enraged—that’s not about the screaming.

When your tween makes a rude comment and you collapse emotionally—that’s not about disrespect.

When your teen slams a door and you immediately catastrophize—that’s not about the door.

These are your trauma responses being reactivated. And while they can be painful and confusing, they are also incredibly informative.

Recognizing them allows you to take back control from the trauma app.

What to Do When You Notice a Disproportionate Reaction

Name it. Say to yourself, "That was a disproportionate response. I wasn’t just reacting to my child. I was reacting to something older."

Pause the shame spiral. Shame fuels trauma. Compassion heals it. You are allowed to be human, to mess up, and to repair.

Get curious, not critical. Ask: What did that moment remind me of? What emotion came up that felt too big for the situation?

Reground yourself in your values. You know the kind of parent you want to be. Even when the trauma app takes over, you can return to that grounded version of yourself.

Teach your trauma app. Reassure yourself: My child is not my enemy. I don’t have to be perfect—just present.

Trauma Doesn’t Make You a Bad Parent

It makes you a human who has experienced pain.

But pain doesn’t have to dictate your parenting. Once you recognize when the trauma app is active, you can begin the work of softening its grip.

You can learn to breathe before you yell.

You can apologize without shame.

You can respond instead of react.

You can stop catastrophizing a bad grade or a closed bedroom door.

And most importantly, you can show your children what it looks like to be a human who heals.

The Power of Repair

When you do overreact, repair matters more than perfection ever could.

Tell your child:

“I overreacted. I’m sorry.”

“That wasn’t about you. That was about something I’m still working on.”

“You didn’t deserve that reaction. Let me try again.”

These are powerful parenting moments. They teach empathy. They teach accountability. They teach resilience.

You are not ruining your child by having a moment. You are showing them how to recover from one.

Parenting Through the Lens of Healing

Many parents today are parenting without a blueprint. You might be doing the opposite of what was done to you, trying to break cycles while also building new ones.

It’s exhausting.

But you don’t have to do it alone.

Walk With Me Counseling Center Can Help

At Walk With Me Counseling Center in Chicago, Illinois, we understand how past wounds can complicate present parenting. We also know that external pressures—especially during high-stress times like election season—can make those trauma responses more intense.

Walk With Me Counseling Center is here to help if you're overwhelmed by election stress or political disagreements. We offer virtual therapy sessions across Illinois, so support is just a click away no matter where you are—whether in Chicago or another part of the state.

Complete our Intake Form today and take the first step toward protecting your mental health during this intense election season.

Your mental well-being should be your top priority, especially during an election as heated as this one. Don't let political stress strain your relationships or leave you feeling overwhelmed. Whether you're in Chicago or elsewhere in Illinois, we're here to help you navigate these challenging conversations before they take a bigger toll on your mental health.