Why Your 'Self-Care' Isn't Making You Feel Better

You took a long bath. You watched your favorite show. You ordered takeout. You stayed in bed all Sunday.

You did all the "self-care" things. And you still feel exhausted. Still anxious. Still overwhelmed. Maybe even worse than before.

You're starting to wonder if self-care is just a lie. Or if you're doing it wrong. Or if there's something wrong with you that even rest can't fix.

Many people we work with in therapy across Illinois describe this exact experience. They're trying to take care of themselves. But nothing they do actually makes them feel better. And they don't understand why.

If this is you, here's what you need to know. The problem isn't that self-care doesn't work. The problem is that what you're doing might not actually be self-care. It might actually be more about escaping than caring for yourself. And there's a difference.

The Difference Between Self-Care and Escapism

Self-care and escapism can look exactly the same from the outside. Watching TV. Taking a nap. Scrolling your phone. Staying home instead of going out.

But they feel completely different. And they have completely different effects.

Self-care recharges you. You do something that helps you feel more like yourself. More grounded. More capable of handling what's in front of you. You might still be tired afterward, but you feel restored in some way.

Escapism numbs you. You do something to avoid feeling what you're feeling or dealing with what you're dealing with. It distracts you temporarily. But when it's over, nothing has changed. You're still stressed. Still anxious. Still avoiding the same thing. And now you might also feel guilty or worse.

The activity itself doesn't determine which one it is. It's about why you're doing it and how you feel after.

Why Escapism Feels Like Self-Care at First

Escapism isn't always bad. Sometimes you need to distract yourself. Sometimes, avoiding something temporarily is how you survive the moment.

But here's what happens when escapism becomes your main coping strategy. It stops working.

You binge a show to avoid thinking about a hard conversation. But when the show ends, the conversation is still waiting. And now you're also tired, and it's late, and you feel guilty for putting it off.

You scroll your phone to avoid feeling anxious. But scrolling doesn't make the anxiety go away. It just postpones it. And sometimes it makes it worse because now you're comparing yourself to everyone else or reading things that stress you out more.

You take a nap because you're overwhelmed. But you're not actually tired. You're just escaping. So you wake up feeling groggy and disoriented, and the thing that overwhelmed you is still there.

Escapism gives you a break from feeling. But it doesn't give you rest. And it doesn't solve anything.

How to Tell If It's Actually Self-Care

Here's the test. Ask yourself: Am I doing this to recharge or to avoid?

If you're doing it to recharge, you're choosing it because it genuinely helps you. You know you'll feel better after. You're being intentional about taking care of your needs.

If you're doing it to avoid, you're running from something. A feeling. A task. A conversation. A decision. You're hoping that if you distract yourself long enough, the problem will go away or you'll magically feel ready to deal with it.

Another way to tell. How do you feel afterward?

After real self-care, you feel some version of better. Calmer. More grounded. More capable. You might not feel perfect, but you feel more like yourself.

After escapism, you feel some version of worse. Guilty. Anxious. Still drained. Maybe more stressed because now you've lost time or avoided something important.

Your body knows the difference, even if your brain is trying to convince you it's self-care.

What Actually Counts as Self-Care

Real self-care isn't just doing things that feel good in the moment. It's doing things that actually support your well-being.

Sometimes self-care feels good. Taking a bath. Reading a book. Going for a walk. Spending time with someone you love.

But sometimes self-care doesn't feel good at all. Setting a boundary with someone who drains you. Having a hard conversation you've been avoiding. Going to therapy. Doing the thing you've been putting off because it makes you anxious.

Self-care isn't always comfortable. Sometimes it's the opposite. It's facing the thing you don't want to face. Because avoiding it is making everything worse.

When You Need to Escape Sometimes

Here's the other side of this. Sometimes you do need to escape. And that's okay.

If you're in crisis. If you're overwhelmed and need to get through the next hour. If you're dealing with something so heavy that distraction is the only way you can function. Escapism can be a survival tool.

The problem isn't occasional escapism. It's when escapism becomes your only strategy. When you're constantly avoiding instead of processing. When you can't sit with uncomfortable feelings at all. When your "self-care" routine is really just a list of ways to numb out.

That's when it stops being helpful and starts being harmful.

What to Do Instead

If you've noticed that your self-care isn't actually making you feel better, here's what can help:

• Get honest about what you're avoiding. You don't have to deal with it immediately. But you do need to acknowledge it. Name it. Stop pretending it's not there.

• Start small with things that actually help. Not things that feel easy or comfortable. Things that genuinely support you. Drinking water. Moving your body. Talking to someone. Doing one thing you've been putting off.

• Notice how you feel after. Not during. After. Does this activity leave you feeling more capable or more depleted? More grounded or more scattered? More like yourself or further away from yourself?

• Give yourself permission to feel uncomfortable. Self-care doesn't mean you never feel bad. It means you're taking care of yourself even when things are hard. Sometimes, especially when things are hard.

• Stop trying to do self-care perfectly. There's no perfect way to take care of yourself. You're going to mess up. You're going to escape sometimes when you meant to recharge. That's human. The goal isn't perfection. It's awareness.

Getting Support

If you're stuck in a cycle where nothing you do makes you feel better, if you're constantly escaping and can't seem to stop, or if you don't even know what taking care of yourself would look like anymore, therapy can help.

At Walk With Me Counseling Center, we work with people across Illinois through online therapy and virtual counseling who are trying to figure out the difference between self-care and avoidance. Our therapists are culturally responsive and can help you understand what you're actually avoiding and develop coping strategies that genuinely support you instead of just numbing you out.

We offer free 15-minute consultations so you can talk through what's going on and see if therapy feels like the right support. Many people use insurance to make therapy more accessible, and we work with BCBS PPO and Aetna PPO.

Self-care isn't supposed to be another thing you fail at. It's supposed to help. And if it's not helping, that's information. It means something needs to shift. And you don't have to figure out what that is alone.

Taking care of yourself isn't about doing everything right. It's about being honest with yourself about what you actually need. Even when that's uncomfortable. Even when it's hard. That's the kind of self-care that actually makes a difference.