How to Show Up for Someone Who’s Struggling

Your friend is going through something. Maybe they lost their job. Maybe a relationship ended. Maybe they're dealing with something they can't even name yet, but you can tell they're not okay.

And you want to help. You want to show up for them. But you don't know what to say. You're worried you'll say the wrong thing. Or that nothing you say will actually make a difference.

So you might not do anything at all. And then you feel guilty about that, too.

Many people we work with in therapy across Illinois describe feeling stuck in exactly this place. They see someone they care about hurting, and they freeze. They don't know how to help. They don't know if their help would even matter.

If this is you right now, here's what you need to know. You don't have to say the perfect thing. You don't have to fix anything. You just have to show up. And there are simple, concrete ways to do that.

Why We Freeze When Someone's Struggling

When someone we care about is hurting, we feel pressure to make it better. To say something wise or comforting. To have the right words that will ease their pain.

But most of us aren't therapists. We don't know what to say. And the fear of saying the wrong thing can paralyze us.

So we wait. We think "I'll reach out when I know what to say." Or "I'll give them space." Or "They probably don't want to hear from me right now."

But here's the truth. Most people who are struggling don't need you to say the perfect thing. They just need to know you're thinking about them. That they're not alone. That someone cares.

What Actually Helps

Research on emotional support shows something surprising. Small, thoughtful gestures often help more than long conversations.

When someone's in the middle of a hard time, talking can feel exhausting. They might not have the energy to explain what's wrong. They might not want advice. They might not even know what they need.

But a small act of kindness, something that says "I'm thinking of you," can cut through all of that. It doesn't demand anything from them. It just offers comfort.

Think about it. When you're struggling, which feels more manageable? Someone asking "do you want to talk about it?" or someone dropping off your favorite coffee with a note that says "thinking of you"?

The coffee doesn't require you to perform or explain yourself. It just reminds you that someone cares.

It's Not About the Money

You might be thinking, "I can't afford to buy people things every time they're struggling."

Good news. It's not about spending money. It's about the thought.

A handwritten note. A playlist of songs that remind you of them. A drawing, even if you're not an artist. A single flower you picked. A meme that made you think of them.

What matters isn't the cost. It's the intention. It's showing them that you went out of your way, even in a small way, to let them know they matter.

Why Gestures Work Better Than Words Sometimes

When someone's in pain, words can feel heavy. Even well-intentioned advice can feel like pressure. "You should try this." "Have you thought about that?" "Everything happens for a reason."

These comments, even when they come from love, can make someone feel more alone. Like they're doing grief wrong. Like they should be handling this better.

A small gesture doesn't carry that weight. It doesn't try to fix or explain or silver-line anything. It just says "I see you. I care. You're not alone."

And sometimes, that's exactly what someone needs.

What Showing Up Actually Looks Like

Showing up doesn't have to be complicated. Here are some simple ways to let someone know you're there:

Drop off their favorite food or drink. You don't even have to stay. Just leave it at their door with a note.

Send them something funny. A meme, a video, something that might make them smile for even a second.

Do something practical without asking. If they have kids, offer to pick them up from school. If they're overwhelmed, drop off groceries. Don't ask "what can I do to help?" Just do something.

Make them something. A playlist. A card. Something handmade, even if it's simple.

Just check in. A text that says "thinking about you" or "no need to respond, just wanted you to know I care" can mean everything.

The key is not waiting until you know what to say. Just do something. Anything that communicates care.

When Conversations Do Help

This doesn't mean never talk to them. Sometimes people do want to talk. Sometimes they need to process out loud or feel heard.

But if you're going to have a conversation, here's what actually helps.

Listen without trying to fix. Don't jump in with advice or solutions. Just listen. Let them say what they need to say without interrupting or redirecting.

Validate what they're feeling. "That sounds really hard." "I can see why you're upset." A simple acknowledgment of their pain goes a long way.

Don't minimize or silver-line. "At least..." statements usually make people feel worse, not better. Even if you're trying to help them see the bright side, it often just makes them feel like you don't get it.

Ask what they need, but don't expect them to know. "Do you want company or space?" "Do you want to talk or just sit together?" Sometimes they won't know the answer. And that's okay.

Combining Both

The most powerful support often combines both. A small gesture that shows you're thinking of them, and being available if they want to talk.

You can drop off coffee and say, "No pressure to respond, but I'm here if you want to talk." You can send a care package and include your phone number. You can show up with food and offer to stay or leave, whatever they need.

The gesture says, "I care." The offer to talk says, "I'm available." Together, they create a safety net.

What If You Don't Know What They Need?

If you're not sure what would help, just ask. But ask in a way that doesn't put pressure on them.

Instead of "what can I do?" which requires them to come up with an answer, try "I'm going to drop off dinner tomorrow. Does 6 pm work?"

Or "I made you a playlist. Want me to send it?"

Or "I'm thinking about you. No need to respond, but let me know if you need anything."

Give them options, not open-ended questions. Make it easy for them to say yes or no without having to think too hard.

Getting Support for Yourself

If you're trying to show up for someone who's struggling, that can take a toll on you, too. Especially if you're close to them. Especially if you're also going through your own stuff.

At Walk With Me Counseling Center, we work with people across Illinois through online therapy who are navigating how to support loved ones while also taking care of themselves. Our therapists are culturally responsive and can help you figure out how to show up for others without losing yourself in the process.

We offer free 15-minute consultations so you can talk through what's going on. Many people use insurance to make therapy more accessible, and we work with BCBS PPO and Aetna PPO.

You don't have to have all the answers. You don't have to say the perfect thing. Showing up imperfectly is better than not showing up at all. And sometimes, the smallest gesture is the most powerful one.