Loving Someone Who Doesn’t Love You Back: Why It Hurts and How to Heal

You check your phone for the tenth time today. Nothing. You replay your last conversation in your head, analyzing every word, looking for signs you might have missed. You know they don't feel the same way. But you can't stop thinking about them. Your chest feels tight. Your stomach drops every time you see their name.

You tell yourself to move on. You know this isn't going anywhere. But your brain won't let go. And every time you see them, talk to them, or even think about them, you feel that pull all over again.

Many people we work with in therapy across Illinois describe feeling stuck in this exact place. They're in love with someone who doesn't love them back. And they feel ashamed for not being able to just get over it.

If this is you, we want you to know something. You're not weak. You're not pathetic. And there's a reason this hurts so much and feels so hard to let go of.

Why Your Brain Gets Hooked

When you have feelings for someone, your brain releases chemicals that make you feel good when you're around them or even just thinking about them. It's the same system that makes anything pleasurable feel rewarding.

In a mutual relationship, that good feeling is consistent. You text, they text back. You spend time together. You feel connected. Your brain gets regular confirmation that this person is available and interested.

But in one-sided love, the reinforcement is inconsistent. Maybe they flirt with you one day, then act distant the next. Maybe they open up sometimes, but shut down other times. A smile, a text, a moment of connection feels like gold. And your brain clings to it.

This inconsistency actually makes it harder to let go, not easier. Your brain keeps hoping the next interaction will be the one that changes everything. Where they finally see you. Where they choose you.

It's like gambling. You keep playing because you might win. Even when the odds are terrible, you stay hooked on the possibility.

You're in Love With the Potential

Here's something that's hard to admit. Often, you're not actually in love with the real person. You're in love with who you think they could be.

You imagine what a relationship with them would be like. How they'd treat you. What you'd do together. How happy you'd be. You fill in all the blanks with the best possible version of them.

And because they're not actually dating you, they never disappoint that fantasy. They never leave their socks on the floor, forget your birthday, or snap at you when they're stressed. In your mind, they're perfect. Or at least, they could be perfect if they'd just give you a chance.

The fantasy feels safe. Real. Almost more real than actual relationships you've had. Because you get to control it. You get to imagine them loving you exactly the way you need to be loved.

But that version of them doesn't exist. And staying attached to the fantasy means you're not dealing with reality.

There's No Closure

When someone breaks up with you, it hurts. But at least there's an ending. A clear "this is over." You can start grieving and eventually start moving on.

With unrequited love, there's no clean ending. They didn't break up with you because you were never together. They might not even know how you feel. Or if they do know, they haven't explicitly rejected you. They're just... not interested.

So your brain keeps looking for answers. You replay every conversation. You analyze every interaction. Did I say something wrong? Was there ever a chance?

And without closure, it's really hard to move forward.

When It Hits an Old Wound

Sometimes, unrequited love hurts extra deep because it's not just about this person. It's about an old pattern.

If you grew up feeling like you had to earn love, like affection was conditional or inconsistent, your brain might have learned that love is something you chase. That if you just try hard enough, prove yourself enough, you'll finally be chosen.

So when you meet someone who's emotionally unavailable or indifferent, it doesn't feel wrong. It feels familiar. And part of you thinks if you can just get this person to love you, it will heal something from your past.

But it won't. You can't heal old wounds by repeating the same pattern with someone new. You just end up hurting yourself more.

Why You Can't Just Try Harder

One of the most painful beliefs in one-sided love is "if I just try harder, they'll see me."

If you're just a little more attractive, more interesting, more supportive, more understanding, more patient, they'll finally realize what they're missing. They'll choose you.

But love doesn't work that way. Love isn't a prize you win by being good enough. It's a mutual connection between two people who genuinely want to be with each other.

When someone doesn't choose you, it's not because you're not enough. It's because they're not able or willing to meet you where you are. Maybe they're not ready for a relationship. Maybe they're interested in someone else. Maybe they just don't feel that way about you.

And none of that is a reflection of your worth.

Your feelings are real. Your love is real. But your feelings alone don't create a relationship. Both people have to want it. And when one person doesn't, no amount of effort will change that.

What Letting Go Actually Looks Like

Letting go of someone who doesn't love you back is one of the hardest things you'll do. Because it's not just letting go of them. It's letting go of hope. The dream of what could have been. The version of yourself that finally gets chosen.

Start by being honest about what you're really craving. Is it this specific person? Or is it the feeling of being wanted, chosen, loved? Often, unrequited love is about needing validation more than it's about the actual person.

Stop feeding the fantasy. Every time you imagine scenarios with them, you're reinforcing the attachment. When you catch yourself daydreaming, redirect your thoughts. It sounds simple, but it's powerful.

Get distance if you can. If you see them every day, that makes it harder. If you can limit contact, even temporarily, it gives your brain space to start detaching.

Talk to someone you trust about what's really going on. Keeping it inside makes it bigger. Saying it out loud to someone who cares about you helps you see it more clearly.

And consider working with a therapist. Especially if you notice you keep falling for unavailable people. That pattern often has roots that need to be addressed.

What You Deserve

You deserve love that loves you back. Not love you have to chase. Not love you have to earn. Not love that keeps you guessing or hoping or waiting.

You deserve someone who sees you and chooses you without hesitation. Someone who meets your effort with their own. Someone who doesn't make you feel like you're too much or not enough.

That kind of love exists. But you won't find it while you're pouring all your energy into someone who can't or won't receive it.

The love you're offering them? You still have it. And you can give it somewhere it will actually grow. Starting with yourself.

Getting Support

If you're stuck in one-sided love, keep choosing people who don't choose you back, or are ready to break this pattern but don't know how, therapy can help.

At Walk With Me Counseling Center, we work with people across Illinois through online therapy who are trying to heal from unrequited love and understand why they keep ending up in these situations. Our therapists are culturally responsive and trained to help you process your grief, understand your patterns, and build self-worth to choose differently.

We offer free 15-minute consultations so you can talk through what's going on and see if therapy feels like the right support. Many people use insurance to make therapy more accessible, and we work with BCBS PPO and Aetna PPO.

Loving someone who doesn't love you back doesn't mean you're broken. It means you have a big heart. And that heart deserves to be in a place where it's valued, not ignored.