How Perfectionism and People Pleasing Are Fueling Burnout
Ambition can be a beautiful thing. It pushes you to go after your goals, build a career you're proud of, and create a life that feels meaningful. But what happens when that drive starts working against you?
For many women, perfectionism, people-pleasing, and anxiety feel like a mixed bag. On one hand, these traits help you achieve things and get recognized. On the other hand, they can quietly burn you out.
The good news? Success doesn't have to leave you completely drained. You can learn to shift these patterns into something more manageable without giving up on what matters to you.
Why It Feels Like You Can't Change
It's common to think you're just wired this way. Maybe you assume your perfectionism is permanent, or that people pleasing and anxiety are simply part of who you are. But these patterns aren't fixed labels.
They're more like things you've been carrying around in a backpack for a long time.
Some of what's in that backpack helped you succeed. It kept you organized, dependable, and aware of what needed to get done. But over time, more and more weight got added. Expectations. Responsibility. Fear of letting people down. The need to get everything right.
Eventually, the backpack gets so heavy that just walking through your day feels exhausting.
You don't need to throw the whole backpack away. And you don't need a new personality. What helps is learning how to lighten the load, deciding what actually needs to stay and what you can finally put down.
What Drives These Patterns
When psychologists study personality, they look at a few main patterns in how people think and act:
How you handle stress and worry.
How much energy you get from being around others.
How open you are to trying new things.
How much you want to keep everyone happy.
How organized and careful you are with tasks.
These patterns aren't set in stone. They can shift over time. And with some intentional work, you can adjust them so they help you rather than wear you down.
Many people we work with in therapy here in Chicago and across Illinois describe feeling stuck in patterns that once helped them succeed but now feel exhausting. The people-pleasing that made you a great team player is now leaving you resentful. The perfectionism that earned you praise is now stealing your sleep. The worry that kept you sharp is now keeping you paralyzed.
These patterns make sense. How Perfectionism and People Pleasing Are Fueling Burnout
Ambition can be a beautiful thing. It pushes you to go after your goals, build a career you're proud of, and create a life that feels meaningful. But what happens when that drive starts working against you?
For many women, perfectionism, people-pleasing, and anxiety feel like a mixed bag. On one hand, these traits help you achieve things and get recognized. On the other hand, they can quietly burn you out.
The good news? Success doesn't have to leave you completely drained. You can learn to shift these patterns into something more manageable without giving up on what matters to you.
Why It Feels Like You Can't Change
It's common to think you're just wired this way. Maybe you assume your perfectionism is permanent, or that people pleasing and anxiety are simply part of who you are. But these patterns aren't fixed labels.
They're more like things you've been carrying around in a backpack for a long time.
Some of what's in that backpack helped you succeed. It kept you organized, dependable, and aware of what needed to get done. But over time, more and more weight got added. Expectations. Responsibility. Fear of letting people down. The need to get everything right.
Eventually, the backpack gets so heavy that just walking through your day feels exhausting.
You don't need to throw the whole backpack away. And you don't need a new personality. What helps is learning how to lighten the load, deciding what actually needs to stay and what you can finally put down.
What Drives These Patterns
When psychologists study personality, they look at a few main patterns in how people think and act:
How you handle stress and worry.
How much energy you get from being around others.
How open you are to trying new things.
How much you want to keep everyone happy.
How organized and careful you are with tasks.
These patterns aren't set in stone. They can shift over time. And with some intentional work, you can adjust them so they help you rather than wear you down.
Many people we work with in therapy here in Chicago and across Illinois describe feeling stuck in patterns that once helped them succeed but now feel exhausting. The people-pleasing that made you a great team player is now leaving you resentful. The perfectionism that earned you praise is now stealing your sleep. The worry that kept you sharp is now keeping you paralyzed.
These patterns make sense. They got you here. But they don't have to take you forward.
When Being Reliable Means Losing Yourself
Being the person everyone can count on is a good thing. It helps you work well with others and build strong relationships. But when you take it too far, it turns into people-pleasing. You say yes when you mean no. You avoid conflict even when you shouldn't. You stretch yourself so thin trying to keep everyone happy that there's nothing left for you.
The problem? Constantly putting everyone else first drains your energy and wears down your boundaries. There's no room left for what you actually need.
You might find yourself saying "of course, I'll cover that for you, don't worry about it" when what you really mean is "I'm already drowning, and this is going to push me under." Learning to be more direct doesn't mean becoming mean or selfish. It means taking care of your needs just as much as you take care of others.
A better response might sound like "I'd like to help, but I'm swamped right now. Can we talk about this after my deadline?" It's honest. It's kind. And it creates space for you to breathe.
Learning to say no in small situations can help. Start with low-pressure moments. Turn down a coffee meeting that doesn't work for you. Pass on a task that isn't essential. Over time, saying no gets easier and feels less uncomfortable.
When Being Careful Turns Into Never Being Satisfied
Being organized and hardworking usually leads to good results. You stay on top of things, put in the effort, and get things done. But when you turn the dial up too high, it becomes perfectionism. You over-prepare. You obsess over tiny details. You struggle to let anyone else help because you're convinced they won't do it right.
Perfectionism might get you compliments in the short term, but it steals your time, your rest, and your creativity.
You might spend hours fixing slides that nobody else will even notice. You might rewrite an email five times before you send it. You might redo work that was already fine because it doesn't feel perfect yet.
The shift here is asking yourself what actually matters. When you're deciding how much effort to put into something, ask yourself if fixing that detail would really change anything. If not, save your energy.
Deciding the slides are good enough and using your evening to rest so you can show up confident the next day isn't lazy. It's smart. When your effort lines up with what truly matters, you have energy left over for the things that count, and you can let go of the rest.
Writing down your top five values can help. When you're facing too many demands, ask yourself if the task lines up with what you care about. If it doesn't, think twice about how much energy it deserves.
When Worry Never Stops
Being aware of stress can make you sharp and detail-focused, but it can also lead to constant overthinking and anxiety. You replay mistakes in your head. You expect the worst. You spiral before a big event.
Some nervous energy can push you forward, but living in constant worry is exhausting.
You might catch yourself thinking, "If I mess this up, it's over, everyone will notice." Learning to be more flexible with your emotions means recognizing that feeling nervous is normal. You've prepared. You can handle this.
This small shift lets you feel the stress without letting it take over. Instead of burning energy on what-ifs, you put it toward actually showing up.
When worry hits hard, remind yourself that this feeling is temporary. It's not a reflection of your ability. Pair this with deep breathing or grounding exercises. Even just putting both feet flat on the floor and taking three slow breaths can help your body remember that you're safe right now.
Why Change Is Possible
For a long time, psychologists thought your personality was locked in after your early twenties. But newer research shows that's not true. Your patterns can shift over your lifetime, sometimes slowly through life experience, and sometimes faster with focused work.
Studies show that working on these patterns, whether through therapy or by practicing new skills, can help you reduce perfectionism, anxiety, and people-pleasing while building resilience and confidence.
In other words, you're not stuck. With effort and support, you can build patterns that protect your success rather than tear you down.
What Success Can Look Like When It's Not Exhausting
Real success isn't about overworking, overthinking, or bending over backward for everyone. It's about creating room for joy, rest, and real connection alongside your achievements.
When you practice being more direct, focusing on what truly matters, and handling your emotions with flexibility, you give yourself space to actually enjoy your life. Instead of just surviving what you accomplish, you get to savor it.
This doesn't mean lowering your standards or giving up on your goals. It means building a version of success that you can actually sustain. One where you're not white-knuckling your way through every single day.
Sharing your goals with a trusted friend, mentor, or therapist can help too. Having someone to check in with can help you notice when you're falling back into old habits. Sometimes we can't see our own patterns until someone else gently points them out.
When You Need Support
Change doesn't happen alone. Having support makes it easier to shift patterns that have been with you for years.
Therapy gives you a safe space to dig into the roots of your perfectionism or anxiety, practice setting boundaries with someone guiding you, learn ways to handle stress, and rethink what success means in a way that aligns with your values.
For women juggling careers, relationships, and everything else, professional support can be the difference between burning out and building something that actually lasts.
At Walk With Me Counseling Center, we work with adults and women across Illinois through online therapy. Our therapists are Black, culturally responsive, and trained to help people work through burnout, perfectionism, and anxiety in ways that feel safe and grounding.
If you're noticing that your drive for excellence is costing you your peace, or if you're exhausted from constantly putting everyone else first, therapy can help. We offer free 15-minute consultations if you want to talk through what's going on and see if this feels like a good fit. We're also in network with BCBS PPO and Aetna PPO, which can make support more accessible.
You don't need a new personality. You just need to lighten the load you've been carrying. And you don't have to do that work alone.
When Being Reliable Means Losing Yourself
Being the person everyone can count on is a good thing. It helps you work well with others and build strong relationships. But when you take it too far, it turns into people-pleasing. You say yes when you mean no. You avoid conflict even when you shouldn't. You stretch yourself so thin trying to keep everyone happy that there's nothing left for you.
The problem? Constantly putting everyone else first drains your energy and wears down your boundaries. There's no room left for what you actually need.
You might find yourself saying "of course, I'll cover that for you, don't worry about it" when what you really mean is "I'm already drowning, and this is going to push me under." Learning to be more direct doesn't mean becoming mean or selfish. It means taking care of your needs just as much as you take care of others.
A better response might sound like "I'd like to help, but I'm swamped right now. Can we talk about this after my deadline?" It's honest. It's kind. And it creates space for you to breathe.
Learning to say no in small situations can help. Start with low-pressure moments. Turn down a coffee meeting that doesn't work for you. Pass on a task that isn't essential. Over time, saying no gets easier and feels less uncomfortable.
When Being Careful Turns Into Never Being Satisfied
Being organized and hardworking usually leads to good results. You stay on top of things, put in the effort, and get things done. But when you turn the dial up too high, it becomes perfectionism. You over-prepare. You obsess over tiny details. You struggle to let anyone else help because you're convinced they won't do it right.
Perfectionism might get you compliments in the short term, but it steals your time, your rest, and your creativity.
You might spend hours fixing slides that nobody else will even notice. You might rewrite an email five times before you send it. You might redo work that was already fine because it doesn't feel perfect yet.
The shift here is asking yourself what actually matters. When you're deciding how much effort to put into something, ask yourself if fixing that detail would really change anything. If not, save your energy.
Deciding the slides are good enough and using your evening to rest so you can show up confident the next day isn't lazy. It's smart. When your effort lines up with what truly matters, you have energy left over for the things that count, and you can let go of the rest.
Writing down your top five values can help. When you're facing too many demands, ask yourself if the task lines up with what you care about. If it doesn't, think twice about how much energy it deserves.
When Worry Never Stops
Being aware of stress can make you sharp and detail-focused, but it can also lead to constant overthinking and anxiety. You replay mistakes in your head. You expect the worst. You spiral before a big event.
Some nervous energy can push you forward, but living in constant worry is exhausting.
You might catch yourself thinking, "If I mess this up, it's over, everyone will notice." Learning to be more flexible with your emotions means recognizing that feeling nervous is normal. You've prepared. You can handle this.
This small shift lets you feel the stress without letting it take over. Instead of burning energy on what-ifs, you put it toward actually showing up.
When worry hits hard, remind yourself that this feeling is temporary. It's not a reflection of your ability. Pair this with deep breathing or grounding exercises. Even just putting both feet flat on the floor and taking three slow breaths can help your body remember that you're safe right now.
Why Change Is Possible
For a long time, psychologists thought your personality was locked in after your early twenties. But newer research shows that's not true. Your patterns can shift over your lifetime, sometimes slowly through life experience, and sometimes faster with focused work.
Studies show that working on these patterns, whether through therapy or by practicing new skills, can help you reduce perfectionism, anxiety, and people-pleasing while building resilience and confidence.
In other words, you're not stuck. With effort and support, you can build patterns that protect your success rather than tear you down.
What Success Can Look Like When It's Not Exhausting
Real success isn't about overworking, overthinking, or bending over backward for everyone. It's about creating room for joy, rest, and real connection alongside your achievements.
When you practice being more direct, focusing on what truly matters, and handling your emotions with flexibility, you give yourself space to actually enjoy your life. Instead of just surviving what you accomplish, you get to savor it.
This doesn't mean lowering your standards or giving up on your goals. It means building a version of success that you can actually sustain. One where you're not white-knuckling your way through every single day.
Sharing your goals with a trusted friend, mentor, or therapist can help too. Having someone to check in with can help you notice when you're falling back into old habits. Sometimes we can't see our own patterns until someone else gently points them out.
When You Need Support
Change doesn't happen alone. Having support makes it easier to shift patterns that have been with you for years.
Therapy gives you a safe space to dig into the roots of your perfectionism or anxiety, practice setting boundaries with someone guiding you, learn ways to handle stress, and rethink what success means in a way that aligns with your values.
For women juggling careers, relationships, and everything else, professional support can be the difference between burning out and building something that actually lasts.
At Walk With Me Counseling Center, we work with adults and women across Illinois through online therapy. Our therapists are Black, culturally responsive, and trained to help people work through burnout, perfectionism, and anxiety in ways that feel safe and grounding.
If you're noticing that your drive for excellence is costing you your peace, or if you're exhausted from constantly putting everyone else first, therapy can help. We offer free 15-minute consultations if you want to talk through what's going on and see if this feels like a good fit. We're also in network with BCBS PPO and Aetna PPO, which can make support more accessible.
You don't need a new personality. You just need to lighten the load you've been carrying. And you don't have to do that work alone.
