The Power of Self-Forgiveness: How to Begin Letting Go

You did something you regret. Maybe it was years ago. Maybe it was last week. And you can't stop thinking about it.

You replay it over and over. You think about what you should have done differently. You beat yourself up for not knowing better, not doing better, not being better. And no matter how much time passes, the guilt doesn't fade.

You might think the guilt is keeping you accountable. That if you let it go, you're letting yourself off the hook. That carrying it is what you deserve.

But guilt doesn't make you a better person. It just keeps you stuck.

Many people we work with in therapy across Illinois describe feeling trapped by mistakes they made in the past. They know they should forgive themselves. But they don't know how. And they're not even sure they deserve to.

If this is you, we want you to know something. You're allowed to forgive yourself. Even for the things that feel unforgivable.

Why Self-Forgiveness Is So Hard

Forgiving yourself feels wrong. Like you're minimizing what you did. Like you're saying, it didn't matter, or it wasn't a big deal.

But that's not what self-forgiveness is. Self-forgiveness isn't about excusing your behavior or pretending it didn't happen. It's about accepting that you made a mistake and choosing not to punish yourself for it forever.

We're often harder on ourselves than we'd ever be on someone else. If a friend came to you with the same guilt you're carrying, you'd probably show them compassion. You'd remind them they're human. You'd tell them everyone makes mistakes.

But when it's you, those standards disappear. You hold yourself to perfection. And anything less feels like failure.

The Difference Between Guilt and Shame

Guilt says, "I did something bad." Shame says, "I am bad."

Guilt can be helpful. It tells you when your actions don't align with your values. It motivates you to make amends or do better next time.

But shame is different. Shame makes you feel fundamentally flawed. Like, there's something wrong with you at your core. And shame doesn't motivate change. It just makes you feel hopeless.

A lot of people get stuck in shame when they're trying to process guilt. They can't separate what they did from who they are. So instead of thinking "I made a mistake," they think "I'm a terrible person."

Self-forgiveness means untangling those two things. Owning what you did without letting it define your entire identity.

What Keeps You Stuck in Guilt

If you've been carrying guilt for a long time, there's usually a reason you can't let it go.

Sometimes it's because you haven't made amends. You hurt someone, and you never apologized or tried to repair the harm. The guilt lingers because the situation feels unresolved.

Sometimes it's because you don't think you deserve forgiveness. Maybe what you did was really bad. Maybe it hurt someone you love. And forgiving yourself feels like betraying them or minimizing their pain.

Sometimes it's because the guilt has become part of your identity. You've carried it for so long that you don't know who you'd be without it. Letting it go feels like losing part of yourself.

And sometimes it's because you're afraid. Afraid that if you forgive yourself, you'll make the same mistake again. The guilt feels like protection. As long as you're punishing yourself, you won't mess up again.

But none of that is actually true. Guilt doesn't protect you. It just exhausts you.

What Forgiveness Actually Looks Like

Self-forgiveness doesn't mean you forget what happened. It doesn't mean you decide it wasn't a big deal. It doesn't mean you stop holding yourself accountable.

It means you accept that you're human. That you made a mistake. That you've learned from it. And that continuing to punish yourself doesn't help anyone, including you.

It also means your internal dialogue shifts. Instead of "I'm a terrible person who always messes everything up," it becomes "I made a mistake, and I'm working on doing better." The first keeps you stuck. The second creates room to grow.

Here's what that can look like in practice.

• Acknowledge what you did without minimizing it. Don't make excuses. Don't blame other people. Just own it. "I said something hurtful." "I made a choice that hurt someone I care about." "I let someone down."

• Understand why it happened. Not to excuse it, but to learn from it. Were you overwhelmed? Acting out of pain? Not thinking clearly? Understanding the context doesn't make it okay, but it helps you see yourself as a whole person, not just your worst moment.

• Make amends if you can. If there's someone you hurt, and it's possible to apologize or repair the harm, do it. Not because it will make you feel better, but because it's the right thing to do. And sometimes, amends means changing your behavior going forward, not just saying sorry.

• Commit to doing better. What would you do differently now? What have you learned? How can you make sure this doesn't happen again? Self-forgiveness includes a commitment to growth.

• Let go of the story that you're a bad person. You did something bad. That doesn't mean you are bad. You're a person who made a mistake. And people who make mistakes can still be good, worthy, deserving of love and forgiveness.

When You Can't Make Amends

Sometimes the person you hurt isn't in your life anymore. Or they don't want to hear from you. Or they've passed away. And you're stuck with guilt you can't resolve through apology.

In those situations, self-forgiveness becomes even more important. You have to find a way to make peace with what happened without external resolution.

That might mean writing a letter you never send. Or doing something meaningful in their honor. Or simply accepting that you can't change the past, but you can choose how you move forward.

It's hard. But staying stuck in guilt doesn't honor them or help you. It just keeps you frozen.

Getting Support

If you've been trying to forgive yourself and can't, if guilt is affecting your daily life, or if you're stuck in shame and don't know how to get out, therapy can help.

You're tired of carrying this. Tired of replaying the same moments. Tired of punishing yourself. You don't have to keep doing this alone.

At Walk With Me Counseling Center, we work with people across Illinois through online therapy who are struggling to forgive themselves for past mistakes. Our therapists are culturally responsive and trained to help you process guilt and shame, understand what's keeping you stuck, and build the self-compassion to move forward.

We offer free 15-minute consultations so you can talk through what's going on and see if therapy feels like the right support. Many people use insurance to make therapy more accessible, and we work with BCBS PPO and Aetna PPO.

You're not your worst mistake. You're not defined by the thing you can't forgive yourself for. You're a whole person who made an error. And you deserve the same compassion you'd give anyone else.

Forgiving yourself doesn't mean what you did was okay. It means you're choosing to stop punishing yourself for being human. And that's not a weakness. That's courage.