5 Ways Your Partner Can Help You Find Calm in Heated Moments
When emotions run high, it’s easy to lose control. You may lash out, say things you regret, or act in ways that leave you embarrassed and disconnected from the people you love most. After the intensity fades, guilt often creeps in—and you’re left wondering why you couldn’t stop yourself before things escalated.
Consider this scenario: you’re at a small gathering, trying to enjoy the evening. Someone accidentally spills a drink all over your brand-new outfit. Instead of brushing it off, anger takes over. Convinced it was done on purpose, you lash out. Your accusations fly as others watch in shock. Your partner tries to calm you down, but in the heat of the moment, you can’t hear their voice of reason. Later, you realize it truly was an accident—and regret floods in.
Moments like this are more common than most people admit. The good news? You don’t always have to manage overwhelming emotions on your own. One of the most powerful yet overlooked tools is learning how to lean on your partner. The way your partner responds when you’re distressed can either fuel your anger or help you return to a state of calm.
Psychologists call this interpersonal emotion regulation—the process of allowing someone close to help you manage and reshape your emotions. It’s different from self-regulation, where you try to calm yourself down internally. Instead, this approach recognizes that our relationships can play a vital role in helping us maintain balance, especially during moments of emotional turbulence.
Why Leaning on Your Partner Matters
A recent study led by Mariah Xu and colleagues (University of Connecticut, 2025) highlights how crucial interpersonal emotion regulation is in close relationships. Their research shows that when we allow loved ones to step in, they can either amplify our distress—or guide us toward stability.
Think back to childhood. When you were upset—whether from losing a toy or getting hurt—your parents may have comforted or distracted you until the storm passed. As adults, our partners often take on this supportive role. But unlike childhood, not everyone finds it easy to accept comfort or guidance when emotions run high. Some people resist, while others welcome it.
The researchers developed a tool called the External Emotion Regulation Questionnaire, which examined the different ways partners intervene during distress. From this work, five key strategies emerged—three that help us calm down, and two that can make things worse.
Let’s break them down.
The 5 Ways Partners Can Intervene in Emotional Storms
1. Problem-Solving and Reappraisal
When things spiral, a partner can step in with calm reasoning. Instead of fueling your anger, they might:
Help you think of ways to change the situation.
Offer a new perspective on what happened.
Suggest practical steps to resolve the issue.
For example, after the spilled drink incident, a supportive partner might remind you that accidents happen and encourage you to laugh it off or find a quick fix. By reframing the event, they help shift your focus from outrage to resolution.
This type of reappraisal doesn’t minimize your feelings—it acknowledges them while guiding you toward a more constructive interpretation.
2. Empathy
Empathy is one of the most powerful ways partners can de-escalate conflict. When your partner validates your emotions and tries to see things from your perspective, it eases the sense of isolation that comes with anger.
An empathetic partner might say:
“I can see why you’re upset.”
“If that happened to me, I’d feel the same way.”
“I understand why this matters to you.”
Empathy doesn’t solve the problem immediately, but it helps you feel heard and supported, which reduces the intensity of your emotions and makes space for calm.
3. Distraction and Soothing
Sometimes, the best way to break the cycle of anger is through distraction. A partner might:
Suggest doing something fun to shift your focus.
Offer comfort, like a hug or a lighthearted comment.
Remind you of your strengths or past successes.
This approach works particularly well if you’re prone to getting stuck in rumination. By pulling your attention elsewhere, your partner interrupts the spiral and gives your emotions a chance to settle.
4. Invalidation (What Not to Do)
On the flip side, invalidation can make emotions worse. This happens when a partner dismisses your feelings or tells you you’re overreacting. While they may intend to calm you down, invalidation often leaves you feeling misunderstood or rejected.
Comments like:
“You’re being ridiculous.”
“Why are you making such a big deal out of this?”
“Just get over it.”
…don’t soothe—they escalate. Over time, repeated invalidation can erode trust and intimacy in a relationship.
5. Avoidance (What Not to Do)
Avoidance is another unhelpful strategy. This is when a partner withdraws instead of engaging, hoping the problem will resolve itself. While a little space can sometimes help, shutting down or leaving completely may leave you feeling abandoned and alone in your emotions.
Avoidance looks like:
Leaving the room without explanation.
Refusing to talk.
Ignoring your distress until it “blows over.”
This response may temporarily avoid conflict, but it rarely leads to long-term growth or resolution.
What the Research Shows
The University of Connecticut study confirmed what many therapists already know: the way partners engage during moments of distress has a lasting impact on both emotional regulation and relationship satisfaction. Couples who rely on strategies like empathy, reappraisal, and distraction tend to experience greater trust, intimacy, and stability.
By contrast, couples who fall into patterns of invalidation and avoidance often face growing dissatisfaction and conflict. These findings emphasize the importance of not just how we manage our own emotions, but also how we support one another.
How to Put These Strategies Into Practice
Learning to regulate emotions with your partner is a skill. Here are some practical steps you can take together:
Talk When Calm: Don’t wait until an argument explodes. Discuss these strategies during neutral moments, so you both know what works best when emotions run high.
Identify Your Needs: Do you prefer empathy over problem-solving? Distraction over reappraisal? Everyone’s needs are different, and it’s important to communicate yours clearly.
Build Trust Through Small Moments: Emotional regulation doesn’t just happen during major conflicts. Practice in everyday life—like offering comfort when your partner is stressed from work or reframing frustrations about traffic.
Avoid Blame: When emotions flare, it’s easy to slip into criticism. Instead, focus on what you need in the moment (“I need you to just listen” or “Can you help me find another way to look at this?”).
Seek Professional Support: Sometimes, patterns of invalidation and avoidance run deep. A therapist can help couples break unhealthy cycles and strengthen positive strategies.
Why This Matters for Your Relationship
Conflict is inevitable in every relationship—but the way you and your partner handle emotional storms can either deepen your connection or drive you apart. By practicing these strategies, you’re not only learning to calm down in the moment—you’re also building a foundation of trust, compassion, and resilience.
Healthy relationships don’t mean you never fight. They mean you know how to come back together, even after emotions get messy.
Final Thoughts
Emotions are powerful, but they don’t have to control you. By inviting your partner into your emotional world, you open the door to healing, understanding, and growth. Whether it’s through problem-solving, empathy, or simple distraction, the support of a loved one can make all the difference when life feels overwhelming.
Remember, the goal isn’t perfection—it’s progress. Each time you and your partner navigate emotions together, you strengthen your bond and create a safer, more supportive relationship.
Call to Action
At Walk With Me Counseling Center in Chicago, Illinois, we understand how challenging it can be to manage emotions, especially in a relationship. If you’re feeling overwhelmed—whether by personal stress, political disagreements, or the intensity of the election season—you don’t have to face it alone.
We offer virtual therapy sessions across Illinois, so support is just a click away no matter where you are—whether you’re in Chicago or another part of the state.
Complete our Intake Form today and take the first step toward protecting your mental health.
Your emotional well-being should be a top priority, especially during times of stress and uncertainty. Don’t let unregulated emotions strain your relationship or leave you feeling disconnected. Whether you need tools for managing conflict, improving communication, or simply finding calm in the storm—Walk With Me Counseling Center is here to help.
