Am I Unknowingly Toxic in My Relationship? Understanding Trauma, Triggers, and Healing

Relationships are often where our deepest wounds show up. They can bring us joy, comfort, and belonging—but they can also uncover patterns we didn’t even know we carried. If you’ve ever found yourself shutting down in the middle of an argument, going completely silent when emotions get high, or pulling away from someone you love without fully understanding why—you’re not alone.

For many people, these behaviors aren’t about being “toxic” in the way we often think about it. They’re about survival. The nervous system plays a powerful role in how we show up in relationships, and unresolved trauma can quietly shape the way we connect, argue, love, or withdraw.

When Silence Feels Like Safety

I used to believe something was deeply wrong with me. During conflicts, I’d go blank—my mouth frozen, my mind foggy, my body almost paralyzed. After heated arguments, I’d sometimes leave—not just the room, but the relationship itself.

At the time, I thought this meant I was cold, distant, or unavailable. But the truth was different: my nervous system had learned that silence meant safety.

Growing up in an environment of emotional unpredictability, I witnessed abuse that made me feel constantly on edge. My stepfather would lash out emotionally, and I never knew when it would happen. Even when moments seemed calm, that calm felt suspicious. Safety, I learned, was never guaranteed.

When my mother left him, I felt a rush of relief. But when she returned, my nervous system learned something more dangerous: never trust calm. Safety could vanish at any moment. Even though I didn’t consciously label this as trauma, my body remembered. My nervous system adapted by shutting down to keep me safe, and that protective pattern followed me into adulthood.

Trauma Lives in the Nervous System

Our nervous system is designed to react before our logical brain can process what’s happening. It’s a survival tool, and when it senses a threat—real or perceived—it leaps into action. This response is often described through four pathways:

• Fight – arguing, defending, or lashing out

• Flight – escaping or avoiding

• Freeze – going numb, shutting down, feeling “offline”

• Fawn – people-pleasing to maintain safety

For trauma survivors, these survival modes can get “stuck.” Small triggers—a raised voice, a difficult question, a partner’s silence—can feel like massive threats. The nervous system overreacts, flipping into survival even when we’re not in danger.

I didn’t know it at the time, but this was why I would swing between two extremes in relationships:

• Hyperarousal – feeling anxious, overstimulated, and overwhelmed. My mind would race, my emotions felt too big, and I’d desperately try to regain control.

• Hypoarousal – shutting down completely. I’d feel numb, foggy, and unable to talk. Arguments ended in silence because my body pulled the emergency brake.

This back-and-forth created a push-pull dynamic. One day I was fully engaged and affectionate, the next I felt like I couldn’t connect at all. My partners didn’t know what to expect, and honestly—neither did I.

The Window of Tolerance

Psychologists Dan Siegel and Tina Drulis (2023) describe something called the Window of Tolerance—the zone where our nervous system feels regulated enough to handle stress. Inside this window, we can think clearly, feel emotions, and respond thoughtfully.

But when someone has a history of trauma, that window can become very narrow. Even small stressors feel overwhelming, causing the system to swing:

• Above the window (hyperarousal): anxiety, anger, panic, racing thoughts.

• Below the window (hypoarousal): numbness, disconnection, mental fog, silence.

My window of tolerance was so small that even everyday conflict felt like danger. My nervous system wasn’t broken—it was doing its best to protect me based on old survival strategies. But those strategies, once useful, were now harming the very relationships I wanted to preserve.

Am I Being “Toxic”?

Here’s the important distinction: shutting down, overreacting, or becoming distant doesn’t necessarily mean you’re intentionally toxic. Instead, it may mean your body is stuck in survival mode.

Still, these responses do affect relationships. If you’re withdrawing emotionally, overexplaining, lashing out, or people-pleasing, your partner may feel confused, hurt, or unloved. Without awareness, unresolved trauma can make you unintentionally contribute to unhealthy dynamics.

This doesn’t mean you’re beyond hope. It means your nervous system is asking for care, healing, and regulation.

How Trauma Shapes Relationship Patterns

Trauma leaves behind patterns that show up in subtle and not-so-subtle ways:

• Inconsistency: One day you’re deeply connected, the next you’re emotionally unavailable.

• Overconnection: You might cling tightly, fearing abandonment.

• Withdrawal: You may shut down or leave arguments to avoid conflict.

• People-pleasing: Agreeing to things you don’t want, just to keep the peace.

• Explosive reactions: Small triggers may cause big emotional responses.

If any of this feels familiar, it’s not a sign that you’re doomed in love. It’s a sign that your nervous system needs support to widen its window of tolerance.

Steps Toward Healing the Pattern

The good news is that these survival strategies can shift. Healing takes awareness, practice, and often support from a trained therapist. Here are some ways I’ve begun to change my relationship patterns:

1. Name the Moment

When I notice myself spiraling or shutting down, I pause and remind myself: This feels old. Naming the reaction helps me separate the past from the present.

2. Regulate Before Responding

Instead of trying to fix the conflict while triggered, I first ground myself. Breathing exercises, pressing my feet firmly to the floor, or placing a hand on my chest remind me: I’m safe now.

3. Track Triggers

I journal about what happened, what I felt, and what it reminded me of. Over time, patterns emerge. Recognizing triggers makes them less overwhelming and gives me more choices in how I respond.

4. Practice Self-Compassion

I remind myself that these patterns came from a place of survival. Beating myself up for them doesn’t help—kindness does.

5. Seek Professional Support

Therapy provides a safe environment to process trauma and learn regulation skills. With guidance, I’ve been able to reframe my responses and slowly expand my window of tolerance.

Healing Is a Process, Not Perfection

Healing doesn’t mean you’ll never get triggered again. It means you’ll recognize what’s happening sooner, stay curious rather than judgmental, and make choices that move you toward connection rather than disconnection.

Relationships thrive when both partners understand that survival responses are not character flaws but invitations to deeper healing. When you learn to regulate your nervous system, you gain the ability to stay present, communicate clearly, and nurture healthier connections.

Final Thoughts

If you’ve ever wondered, Am I being toxic without realizing it?—remember this: what feels toxic may actually be trauma patterns replaying themselves. You’re not broken. You’re a survivor learning how to feel safe in love again.

By bringing awareness to your triggers, practicing regulation, and seeking help when needed, you can rewrite the story your body has been carrying for years. Healing is possible, and with it comes a more stable, fulfilling way of relating to the people you care about most.

Call to Action: You Don’t Have to Do This Alone

Walk With Me Counseling Center, based in Chicago, Illinois, is here to help if you’re overwhelmed by trauma, relationship stress, or even the added weight of political disagreements this election season.

We offer virtual therapy sessions across Illinois, so support is just a click away no matter where you live—whether you’re in Chicago, Springfield, or another part of the state.

Complete our Intake Form today and take the first step toward protecting your mental health.
Your well-being should be your top priority, especially in times of stress and conflict. Don’t let unresolved trauma or political stress strain your relationships or leave you feeling alone.

We’re here to walk with you as you navigate these challenges, build healthier connections, and reclaim your sense of safety in relationships.