Chasing Joy Without Losing It: How to Welcome Happiness Without Holding on Too Tight
When it comes to happiness, we often hear two contradictory messages. One says, “Go after what makes you happy.” The other warns, “Don’t chase happiness—it will slip away.”
No wonder people get confused, especially when we talk about acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT). Some think ACT discourages pursuing positive moods altogether. The truth is more nuanced: ACT doesn’t tell you to avoid joy—it teaches you to pursue it wisely without falling into the traps that can drain your emotional energy.
Let’s break down what that means and how you can enjoy happiness in a way that feels nourishing instead of exhausting.
The Trap of Emotional Avoidance
One of ACT’s central teachings is that avoiding uncomfortable emotions often backfires. This is called experiential avoidance (EA type 1). It’s the attempt to dodge or suppress negative feelings like sadness, fear, or anxiety.
You can think of it like trying to hold a beach ball underwater. Sure, you can push it down for a while—but the moment you lose grip, it pops up even higher, often splashing you in the process.
While there are rare situations where emotional suppression is necessary—like first responders needing to stay focused in emergencies—most of us aren’t in life-or-death scenarios every day. For everyday challenges, avoiding feelings usually tightens their hold on us.
Decades of research show that avoidance not only prolongs distress but can also harm mental and physical health. For example:
l It can heighten anxiety in the long run.
l It can limit emotional resilience.
l It can reduce overall life satisfaction.
But here’s the key—pursuing happiness doesn’t mean you’re avoiding pain. You can enjoy a beautiful sunset not because you’re escaping sadness, but because the moment is inherently meaningful.
The Flip Side: Clinging to Positive Emotions
If avoidance is one trap, clinging is another. This is what ACT calls experiential attachment (EA type 2)—trying to hold on to positive feelings so tightly that you end up smothering them.
Here’s an ACT phrase that captures it: “If you’re not willing to lose it, you’ve lost it.”
Think about it—demanding constant happiness disconnects us from the real purpose of emotions: to guide us in the present, informed by our past. Positive emotions, like all emotions, are temporary signals. They’re meant to come and go.
If joy were constant, it would lose its meaning. Just like dashboard lights that stay on all the time, emotions need variation to guide us.
Real joy happens when you notice it, savor it, and allow it to pass naturally—not when you demand it to stay forever. Trying to force happiness into permanence is like gripping a butterfly so hard that you crush its wings.
A Personal Reminder: “This Too Shall Pass”
I wear a bracelet inscribed with the words, “This too shall pass.” It’s a reminder that every moment—whether joyful or painful—is temporary.
This doesn’t mean we shouldn’t enjoy happy moments. It means that part of their beauty comes from their fleeting nature. Weddings, births, quiet mornings, laughter with friends—they all pass. And that’s exactly why we savor them.
If we cling to them with desperation, we lose the ability to fully experience them. The goal is not to keep joy in a jar—it’s to let it breathe.
What New Research Teaches Us About Positive Emotions
A recent study I co-authored with Dr. Baljinder Sahdra, soon to be published in the Journal of Happiness Studies (Sahdra et al., 2025), explored this idea in real-world settings.
We followed 167 participants for several weeks, using ecological momentary assessment—pinging them multiple times a day to capture their emotions and behaviors in real time.
We looked at two approaches to chasing happiness:
1. Prioritizing Positivity (PP) – Seeking activities that are likely to bring joy, like connecting with friends or appreciating nature.
2. Experiential Attachment (EA type 2) – Trying to cling to positive feelings and make them last.
The results?
l Prioritizing positivity tended to increase happiness—but only for some people.
l Experiential attachment consistently reduced happiness over time, even after accounting for stress, loneliness, or positive events.
In other words, the way you pursue happiness matters. Some people flourish by creating joyful experiences, while others unintentionally sabotage themselves by clinging to the good feelings that arise.
Why One-Size-Fits-All Happiness Advice Doesn’t Work
Traditional research often averages results across all participants, which can hide individual differences. But when we looked at people individually—a method called idionomic analysis—we saw distinct patterns:
- For some, prioritizing positivity increased joy over time.
- For others, the same behavior didn’t help—or even made things worse—because it led to clinging.
This explains why popular advice like “focus on the positive” sometimes works wonders and sometimes feels hollow. What works for one person may not work for another.
The ACT Perspective: Balanced Pursuit of Happiness
From an ACT standpoint, there’s nothing wrong with seeking joy—as long as it’s not a form of escape (EA type 1) or a desperate grip (EA type 2).
Here’s what ACT encourages instead:
l Approach joy with openness. Enjoy it while it’s here without demanding permanence.
l Allow pain to exist. Negative emotions are part of life and don’t need to be avoided.
l Engage in meaningful actions. Do things that align with your values, even if they don’t always feel “positive” in the moment.
Practical Ways to Enjoy Happiness Without Losing It
If you want to seek joy without falling into the traps of avoidance or attachment, here are some strategies you can try today:
1. Notice and Name the Moment
When you experience joy, pause to acknowledge it. Say to yourself, “This is a moment of happiness.”
2. Savor, Don’t Cling
Engage fully with the moment—taste your food, listen closely to laughter, feel the sun on your skin—but resist the urge to mentally demand, “Don’t end.”
3. Balance Positive and Painful Emotions
Allow yourself to feel sadness, frustration, or fear without judgment. They don’t cancel out your joy—they coexist with it.
4. Create Opportunities for Joy
Schedule activities you love, whether it’s a hobby, time with friends, or simply noticing beauty in your surroundings.
5. Let Go Gracefully
When the happy moment passes, acknowledge it with gratitude instead of frustration.
An Everyday Example
Imagine you’re at a family gathering, and everyone’s laughing around the dinner table.
l Avoidance trap: You force yourself to laugh along just to hide feelings of stress or sadness.
l Attachment trap: You panic at the thought of the evening ending and try to force everyone to keep the fun going.
Both reactions miss the point. The healthy middle ground is to be fully present in the laughter, appreciate the warmth, and accept that it will end—while knowing you can create other joyful moments in the future.
Why This Matters During Stressful Times—Like an Election Season
High-stress periods, like political elections, can make joy feel rare and precious. Many people cling harder to positive moments because they fear losing them amid all the tension.
But here’s the truth—you can stay engaged in life and maintain joy without letting political stress steal your peace. It starts with noticing when you’re gripping too tightly and choosing to let moments flow naturally.
Need Support Staying Balanced This Election Season?
Walk With Me Counseling Center in Chicago, Illinois, is here to help if you’re feeling overwhelmed by election stress or political disagreements.
We offer virtual therapy sessions across Illinois, so support is just a click away—whether you’re in Chicago or anywhere else in the state. Our compassionate therapists can help you navigate difficult conversations, manage emotional highs and lows, and protect your mental well-being during this intense season.
Complete our Intake Form today and take the first step toward a calmer, more grounded you.
Your mental health should be your top priority—especially during a heated election. Don’t let political tension strain your relationships or leave you feeling emotionally drained. Whether you’re struggling with anxiety, burnout, or communication challenges, we’re here to help you move forward with clarity and peace.
