The Space Between Us: How Distance Can Strengthen Friendships

When we think about closeness in friendship, we often imagine deep, daily conversations, constant check-ins, and being each other's emotional lifelines. For many of us, especially in a culture that celebrates ride-or-die loyalty and best-friend-for-everything narratives, it can feel like anything less than full access is a failure.

But what if the secret to a healthier, longer-lasting friendship lies in stepping back—not leaning in?

It took me years to learn that intimacy doesn't always mean proximity. Sometimes, putting intentional space between ourselves and a friend can lead to deeper understanding, mutual respect, and emotional safety. In other words: the right kind of distance can create more genuine connection.

Rethinking What “Closeness” Means in Friendship

Many of us grow up with the belief that closeness equals quality. The closer we are, the better the friendship. We’ve been conditioned to see distance as rejection or disconnection.

But closeness—like everything in relationships—is not one-size-fits-all. True connection comes not from constant availability, but from mutual alignment. Just like some couples need separate rooms to sleep well, some friendships thrive when we stop trying to do everything together.

I realized this when I noticed how traveling with certain friends brought out stress instead of joy. While I loved getting lost in side streets and trying local food trucks, they preferred planned itineraries and luxury hotels. We didn’t travel well together—but we laughed over coffee, held each other through grief, and celebrated each other’s wins. Avoiding shared travel didn’t weaken our bond. It protected it.

The healthiest friendships often aren’t about sharing everything; they’re about sharing the right things, in the right way, at the right time.

The Power of “Low-Dose” Friendships

Some friends are what I like to call low-dose friends—wonderful in smaller, spaced-out interactions. These aren’t relationships to grieve or downgrade. They’re simply ones where the dynamic thrives under gentler conditions.

Instead of going “all in,” we can recalibrate. That might look like:

l Moving from weekly hangouts to monthly brunches

l Shifting from late-night heart-to-hearts to shared hobbies

l Connecting in group settings instead of intense one-on-ones

When we stop trying to force closeness, we often find that our time together becomes more meaningful, less pressured, and more balanced.

Ironically, pulling back can make room for a deeper kind of connection—one rooted in freedom and trust rather than obligation.

When Reciprocity Feels Off

One of the hardest moments in friendship is when we feel like we’re giving more than we’re receiving. It’s easy to assume disinterest or emotional neglect. But sometimes, it’s a matter of different relational rhythms.

I’ve had friendships where my texts went unanswered for days, or where I felt like I was always the one reaching out. But when I stepped back, something surprising happened: they reached out. Not because I withdrew out of spite, but because the distance gave both of us breathing room to recognize and recalibrate our needs.

Sometimes it’s not that our friend doesn’t want to connect—it’s that their bandwidth, emotional availability, or definition of closeness is different from ours. By loosening our expectations, we can make space for the relationship to reconfigure itself on new, healthier terms.

The Myth of the “All-in-One” Friend

In our hyper-connected age, we’re often led to believe that one best friend should meet all our emotional needs. But research shows that the most resilient friendships come from diversification, not dependency.

You might go to:

l One friend to vent about work frustrations

l Another for spiritual support

l Yet another for spontaneous adventures or light-hearted fun

Trying to get all our needs met from one person can turn a friendship into a pressure cooker. When we divide our emotional needs across our circle, everyone breathes easier—including ourselves.

As therapist Esther Perel says, “It takes a village to raise a child. It takes a village to raise a relationship, too.”

Transitioning, Not Terminating

We often frame the evolution of a friendship in binary terms: we’re either close or we’ve “outgrown” each other. But most relationships are far more fluid.

Friendships, like seasons, shift. And while some may naturally fade away, many just need to be redefined, not rejected.

Instead of walking away, consider:

l Changing the frequency or setting of your meetups

l Adjusting your emotional expectations

l Honoring the role a friend plays now, not the one they once played

Studies suggest we lose about half our friends every seven years. That statistic might look different if more of us allowed friendships to adapt instead of end.

Ask Yourself: What Level of Intimacy Feels Right?

Every friendship operates best at its own unique distance.

The next time a connection feels off—not from a single incident, but from a lingering mismatch—try asking yourself:
“What level of intimacy feels healthiest here?”

This isn’t about withholding love or access—it’s about creating boundaries that protect the connection. Some relationships feel best with weekly deep chats. Others thrive with quarterly catch-ups over a glass of wine. Both can be beautiful. Both can be real.

When we let go of how we think friendship should look, we make space for what actually works.

Wisdom from the Past

As poet Edna St. Vincent Millay once wrote:

“The longest absence is less perilous to love than the terrible trials of incessant proximity.”

Sometimes, a little distance isn’t neglect—it’s nourishment. It’s the pause that prevents burnout, the breath that allows love to remain light and free.

Reflection Questions

If you’re navigating evolving friendships, consider journaling or reflecting on these prompts:

l What friendships in your life feel “off” right now? Why?

l Are your expectations clear—or are they based on past versions of the relationship?

l Can you reframe “less contact” not as rejection, but as recalibration?

l Do you have emotional needs that could be met by someone else in your circle?

l Is there a new boundary or setting that could help this friendship feel more sustainable?

When Friendship Stress Meets Election Season Stress

Sometimes, it’s not just our friendships causing emotional overwhelm—it’s everything else swirling in the background. As we move deeper into election season, political tension can amplify existing stress in our relationships.

Maybe you and a friend have opposing political views and can’t talk without arguing. Or maybe the pressure of the news cycle is making you more emotionally reactive than usual.

It’s okay to need support. You don’t have to handle all of this alone.

Let Us Help You Navigate It All

Walk With Me Counseling Center is here to help if you're overwhelmed by election stress or political disagreements. We offer virtual therapy sessions across Illinois, so support is just a click away—whether you’re in Chicago or another part of the state.

COMPLETE INTAKE FORM Your mental well-being should be your top priority, especially during an election as heated as this one. Don’t let political stress strain your relationships or leave you feeling overwhelmed. Whether you're navigating emotional distance with a friend or emotional whiplash from social media, we’re here to help you make sense of it.

Let’s talk. Let’s heal—together.