Why You Still Think About Your Ex—And Why That’s Not Always a Bad Thing

How memories of past relationships shape your growth, identity, and healing.

Breakups hurt. Whether it ended on good or terrible terms, and whether you walked away or were left behind, the emotional fallout of a past relationship lingers. Most people expect this discomfort in the immediate aftermath, but what surprises many is how long these memories can persist—and how they can resurface years later.

You might be going about your day when a song comes on—the one you both loved—and suddenly, you’re right back in that moment. Or maybe it’s a scent, a movie, a place you used to visit together. The memories hit hard and fast. And while your instinct may be to shove them away, science suggests that remembering your ex might actually be a window into personal growth.

Let’s explore why your ex still lingers in your mind—and how these reflections can offer more than just pain. They may offer insight, healing, and even strength.

The Lingering Presence of the Past

We all carry pieces of our past with us, especially past relationships. According to recent research led by Barry Farber and colleagues at Columbia University (2025), the psychological imprint of an ex-partner is more common—and complex—than previously understood.

In fact, most people still think about their exes regularly, sometimes even weekly. The researchers describe this phenomenon using the term internalized representation—a mental model made up of memories, emotions, beliefs, and the felt sense of a person’s presence. It's not just remembering your ex’s face or favorite color; it’s remembering how they made you feel, what you expected from them, and what your relationship symbolized.

Farber's team developed a tool called the “Representations of Past Significant Others” to assess how often and how intensely people think about past partners. The results? Many participants rated their memories of exes as both vivid and frequent. Women, in particular, reported stronger internal representations, especially those who initiated the breakup or were in longer-term relationships.

When the Past Sneaks Up on You

Have you ever been in a waiting room, minding your own business, only to be ambushed by a song that used to mean everything to you and your ex? It might seem like a harmless tune to others, but for you, it opens a floodgate of emotions.

Farber’s study identified the most common triggers for these memories:

l Feeling nostalgic or lonely

l Special dates like anniversaries or birthdays

l Music tied to your relationship

l Seeing old photos or social media updates

l Emotional states like sadness, anxiety, or stress

The thoughts that follow are often bittersweet. Some people wonder if their ex ever thinks about them. Others replay both the good and bad moments or wonder if they’ll ever cross paths again. Along with these reflections come complex emotions—guilt, fear, shame, sadness, and sometimes even a longing for closure.

The Role of Attachment and Closure

Not all memories of exes are created equal. People with anxious attachment styles or who never received closure are more likely to dwell on their exes. Interestingly, this rumination happens regardless of whether the relationship ended recently or years ago. That “what if” loop in your brain may be your mind’s attempt to make sense of something unresolved.

But here’s where it gets interesting: people also reported thinking about the good times in relationships that lacked closure. It seems we cling to memories, both positive and negative, when we feel unfinished or unacknowledged. This could be your brain’s way of protecting your self-esteem or helping you preserve an important chapter of your life.

If you’ve ever asked yourself, “Why can’t I let this go?” the answer may be more psychological than personal. You’re not broken. You’re human.

Why Thinking About Your Ex Doesn’t Mean You’re Stuck

Popular advice often tells us to “move on,” “forget the past,” or “cut ties.” And while those strategies can be useful in healing from toxic relationships, they can also oversimplify a deeply emotional process.

Farber and his team discovered that thinking about an ex doesn’t always signify unresolved feelings or poor coping. In many cases, these memories are a natural part of integrating past relationships into your broader sense of self. Your ex shaped you in ways you might not realize—from how you express love to how you set boundaries today.

You might think about your ex because they mattered to you. That doesn’t mean you want them back. It means they helped define a version of you that once existed—and honoring that version can help you grow.

When Memories Stir Up Fear

One of the most unexpected findings in the study was how often fear showed up as an emotion when thinking about an ex. That fear might stem from many places:

l Fear of repeating old patterns

l Fear of never finding someone who gets you like they did

l Fear of still loving them

l Fear of hurting your current partner by having these thoughts

These fears are valid. They point to the emotional weight breakups carry and the vulnerability that comes with reflecting on love lost. But fear can also be a powerful motivator—it can encourage you to set clearer boundaries, seek closure, or better understand your emotional needs.

The Social Media Factor

There’s no denying the role of social media in keeping exes mentally close. Even if you’ve unfollowed or blocked your ex, mutual friends, memories, and algorithms can still bring them back into view. The internet has made “moving on” more complicated than ever.

Seeing your ex living their life—or worse, thriving without you—can stir up old insecurities. But that doesn’t mean you’re not healing. It means your emotional wounds are adjusting to the presence of an emotional ghost that won’t completely vanish just because you changed your relationship status.

Growth Through Reflection

So, where does this leave you?

It leaves you with permission to acknowledge that your past relationships, no matter how painful, were meaningful. They were real. And they left behind emotional footprints that don’t disappear overnight.

Instead of fearing your memories, try to understand them. Ask yourself:

l What did I learn from that relationship?

l How did it shape who I am now?

l What parts of me did I lose—and reclaim—after we broke up?

l What boundaries or values do I carry now that I didn’t before?

This is the real work of healing. It’s not just about forgetting; it’s about integrating. When you can look at your ex not with bitterness, but with gratitude for the lessons learned, you’re no longer stuck. You’re evolving.

Therapy Can Help You Reframe the Past

If you find yourself haunted by thoughts of your ex—or overwhelmed by emotions you can’t explain—therapy can offer a safe, neutral space to unpack those feelings. Especially in emotionally charged times, like an election season filled with stress, unresolved feelings about past relationships can resurface in surprising ways.

At Walk With Me Counseling Center in Chicago, Illinois, we know how deeply your emotional history impacts your present. Our therapists specialize in helping you understand how your past shapes your current identity, relationships, and choices. We offer virtual therapy sessions across the entire state of Illinois, so you can get the support you need—wherever you are.

Your Next Step Toward Healing Starts Here

Walk With Me Counseling Center is here to help if you're overwhelmed by election stress or political disagreements. We offer virtual therapy sessions across Illinois, so support is just a click away no matter where you are—whether in Chicago or another part of the state.

Complete our Intake Form today and take the first step toward protecting your mental health during this intense election season.

Your mental well-being should be your top priority, especially during an election as heated as this one. Don't let political stress—or emotional baggage from past relationships—strain your mental health or leave you feeling stuck. Whether you're in Chicago or elsewhere in Illinois, we're here to help you navigate these challenges before they take a bigger toll on your life and relationships.