How to Make Friends as an Adult

You're at work. At the grocery store. At the gym. Surrounded by people. And you feel completely alone.

You have coworkers you talk to. Acquaintances you see regularly. People you exchange pleasantries with. But you don't have friends. Not real ones. Not people you can call when you're having a hard day or who text you just to check in.

And you don't know how to change that. Because making friends as a kid was easy. You sat next to someone at lunch or joined the same soccer team, and boom, you had a friend. But as an adult? You don't know where to even start.

Many people we work with in therapy across Illinois describe feeling lonely even though they're around people all the time. They want a connection. They want friendship. But they don't know how to build it. And they feel awkward or embarrassed about admitting that.

If this is you, you're not alone. And there are ways to start building the friendships you're missing.

Why Adult Friendship Is So Hard

Making friends as an adult is genuinely harder than it was when you were younger. And there are real reasons for that.

You don't have built-in social structures anymore. When you were in school, you saw the same people every day. You had shared activities, classes, and lunch breaks. Friendships formed naturally because you were thrown together. As an adult, you have to seek out those opportunities. They don't just happen.

You're busy. Work, family, responsibilities. By the time you get through your day, you're exhausted. The idea of making plans or putting yourself out there feels like one more thing on an already overwhelming list.

You're more selective. When you were younger, you'd be friends with anyone who was nice to you. Now, you're pickier. You want friends who share your values, understand your life, and get your sense of humor. And that narrows the pool significantly.

You're scared of rejection. Asking someone to hang out as an adult feels vulnerable. What if they say no? What if they think it's weird? What if you put yourself out there and it doesn't go anywhere? The fear of rejection keeps many people from even trying.

Start With Small Moments

You don't have to jump straight into deep friendship. Start with small, casual interactions.

Say hi to your neighbor. Learn your barista's name. Chat with the person you see at the gym every week. Have a short conversation with a coworker before the meeting starts.

These tiny moments of connection might feel insignificant. But they build familiarity. And familiarity is the foundation of friendship. Repeated low-stakes interactions create a sense of safety that makes a deeper connection possible.

You're not trying to become best friends with everyone. You're just practicing being open and friendly. And sometimes, those small interactions lead somewhere. Maybe the person you chat with at the gym mentions they're looking for a running partner. Maybe the coworker you talk to invites you to happy hour. Maybe the neighbor asks if you want to grab coffee sometime.

Or maybe they don't. But at least you're creating opportunities.

Join Something

The easiest way to make friends as an adult is to join a group where you'll see the same people regularly and have something to do together.

A recreational sports league. A book club. A cooking class. A hiking group. A volunteer organization. A gaming group. Anything where you show up consistently and interact with the same people.

The activity takes the pressure off. You're not sitting across from someone at coffee, trying to force conversation. You're playing volleyball, discussing a book, or cooking a meal. The friendship happens naturally around the shared activity.

And if the first group doesn't click, try another one. Not every group will be a good fit. That's normal.

Be the One to Initiate

This is the hardest part for most people. You meet someone you like. You have a good conversation. And then... nothing happens. Because both of you are waiting for the other person to make the next move.

If you want friends, you have to be willing to initiate. Suggest getting coffee. Invite them to something. Send a text saying you enjoyed talking to them.

Yes, it feels vulnerable. Yes, they might not respond or might say no. And yes, rejection stings. But someone saying no doesn't mean something is wrong with you. It just means the timing wasn't right or they're not looking for new friendships right now.

And here's the truth. Most people are also lonely and want friends. They're just as scared as you are. So when you reach out, you're often doing both of you a favor.

Let It Be Awkward

Adult friendships start awkwardly. There's no way around it.

The first hangout might feel forced. You might run out of things to talk about. You might wonder if they actually like you or if they're just being polite. That's all normal.

Friendship takes time. It takes multiple interactions before it starts to feel natural and comfortable. Don't give up after one awkward coffee. Give it a few tries. Most friendships that last started with some initial awkwardness.

Not Everyone Will Click

You're going to meet people who seem great on paper but you just don't connect with. That's okay. Not everyone is meant to be your friend.

Chemistry matters in friendship just like it does in dating. You can't force it. And that's not a reflection on you or them. It just means you're not a good fit.

Keep trying. Keep meeting people. Eventually, you'll find the ones who do click. The ones where conversation flows easily. The ones who get your humor. The ones who want to hang out again without you having to do all the work.

When Loneliness Feels Bigger Than Friendship

If you're struggling with loneliness, social anxiety, or finding it hard to put yourself out there, therapy can help.

At Walk With Me Counseling Center, we work with people across Illinois through online therapy who are trying to build friendships and navigate feelings of isolation. Our therapists are culturally responsive and can help you understand what's holding you back, build confidence in social situations, and work through the fears that keep you from connecting.

We offer free 15-minute consultations so you can talk through what's going on and see if therapy feels like the right support. Many people use insurance to make therapy more accessible, and we work with BCBS PPO and Aetna PPO.

Making friends as an adult takes courage. It takes putting yourself out there even when it's uncomfortable. It takes being willing to be awkward, face rejection, and keep trying anyway.

But it's worth it. Because that feeling of being surrounded by people and still feeling alone? You don't have to live with that forever. Connection is possible. And you don't have to figure out how to build it alone.