Am I Overthinking My Relationship or Is It Relationship OCD?
Woman sitting beside partner looking worried and emotionally distant while questioning her relationship and struggling with relationship anxiety.
You're lying in bed next to your partner. They're sleeping peacefully. But you're awake, spiraling through the same questions you've asked yourself a hundred times before.
"Do I really love them enough?"
"What if they're not the one?"
"Am I settling?"
You feel guilty for even thinking these things. Your partner is kind, caring, and treats you well. On paper, everything should be fine. But the doubts won't stop. And the more you try to answer them, the louder they get.
If this sounds familiar, you might be dealing with something called Relationship OCD, or ROCD.
When Doubt Becomes Something More
It's normal to have questions in a relationship. Especially during big transitions like moving in together, getting engaged, or navigating long-term commitment. Healthy doubt helps you assess compatibility, set boundaries, and figure out if you're building something that works.
But what if the doubts are constant? What if they're so intrusive and distressing that you can't focus on anything else? What if you spend hours checking your feelings, comparing your partner to others, or asking friends for reassurance that never actually helps?
That's when doubt crosses into something more concerning.
Many people we work with in therapy here in Chicago and across Illinois describe feeling trapped in these patterns. They know, logically, that their relationship is good. But they can't stop questioning it. And the questioning itself becomes the problem.
What ROCD Actually Is
Relationship OCD is a form of obsessive-compulsive disorder that shows up specifically in romantic relationships. Instead of worrying about germs or safety like traditional OCD, the obsessions and compulsions focus on love, attraction, compatibility, or worthiness.
Here's how it works. You have an intrusive thought, something like "what if I don't really love them?" That thought causes intense anxiety. So you do something to try to reduce that anxiety. You check your feelings. You compare your relationship to others. You ask your best friend if your relationship seems normal. You mentally replay moments to see if you felt "enough" love.
The problem is, these compulsions don't actually solve anything. They give temporary relief, but the doubt comes back. And then you're stuck in a cycle that feels impossible to break.
Two Ways ROCD Shows Up
ROCD tends to show up in one of two ways, though they can overlap.
Doubting the relationship itself: The obsessive thoughts focus on whether the relationship is right. "Am I settling?" "Do I feel the right kind of love?" "What if they're not the one?" You might constantly seek reassurance from friends or family. You might compare your relationship to everyone else's. You might check and recheck your emotions to see if you feel enough.
Doubting your partner: The obsessive thoughts focus on your partner's traits or flaws. "Am I really attracted to them?" "Is their personality right for me?" "What if they're not smart enough?" You might find yourself comparing them to other people, friends, strangers, even celebrities or fictional characters. You might mentally rehearse what-if scenarios or criticize them in ways that feel mean, but you can't stop.
What makes this particularly painful is the shame. You feel like a terrible person for judging your partner so harshly, even though the thoughts are driven by anxiety, not actual incompatibility.
When Normal Becomes ROCD
So how do you know if you're just having normal relationship doubts or if it's ROCD?
Normal doubts lead to clarity. You think about something, maybe talk it through, and either resolve it or decide. ROCD doubts leave you more confused and stuck.
ROCD thoughts are intrusive. They pop into your mind repeatedly, even when you don't want them to. They're distressing. They trigger intense anxiety, guilt, or shame. They're time-consuming. They dominate your mental space and interfere with work, sleep, or daily life. And they lead to compulsions. You get stuck in repetitive checking, reassurance-seeking, or comparing behaviors.
One woman we worked with described spending three hours every night lying awake, mentally reviewing every interaction with her boyfriend to see if she felt "enough" love. She knew it was exhausting her. But she couldn't stop. That's the trap of ROCD.
The Cost on Both Partners
ROCD doesn't just affect the person experiencing it. It impacts both people in the relationship.
The anxious partner may seem distant, critical, or indecisive. They might pull away emotionally or pick fights over small things. The other partner often feels inadequate, untrusted, or unloved. They don't understand why nothing they do seems good enough.
The cycle of reassurance can breed frustration and exhaustion on both sides. Ironically, the very behaviors meant to reduce doubt, checking, comparing, and questioning, can create real problems in what might have been a perfectly good relationship.
What Actually Helps
The good news is that ROCD is treatable. The same approaches that work for other forms of OCD can help here, too.
Therapy that focuses on obsessive-compulsive patterns can teach you to face intrusive thoughts without engaging in compulsions. Instead of trying to answer the doubt or make it go away, you learn to let it exist without reacting to it.
Therapy can also help you explore where these patterns came from. Sometimes ROCD connects to attachment styles, past relationships, or childhood experiences that shaped how you think about love and trust.
Couples therapy can help, too, especially if ROCD has strained the relationship. It creates space for healthier communication and helps both partners understand what's happening.
What You Can Do Right Now
Even before starting therapy, there are things you can try:
Label the thoughts. When a doubt pops up, recognize it. "This is OCD talking, not reality." That small act of naming it can create some distance.
Notice when you're seeking reassurance. If you find yourself asking your partner or friends the same questions over and over, try to delay asking. The urge will peak and then pass.
Resist comparisons. Relationships aren't competitions. Your partner doesn't need to be better than everyone else. They just need to be right for you.
Practice sitting with uncertainty. No relationship comes with guarantees. Learning to tolerate that discomfort is part of healing.
Be kind to yourself. Having doubts doesn't make you a bad partner. It makes you human.
The Hidden Demand for Perfection
At the heart of ROCD is often a demand for certainty. "I must feel completely sure." "My partner must meet every standard." "If I have doubts, something is wrong."
But certainty doesn't exist. Not in relationships, not in life. And chasing it creates suffering. Learning to accept some uncertainty, to live with imperfection in yourself, your partner, and the relationship, is key to breaking free.
Getting Support
If you're reading this and recognizing yourself, know that you're not alone. A lot of people silently struggle with ROCD, mistaking it for just overthinking or being too picky. But obsessive doubts and compulsive patterns deserve care and attention, because you deserve peace and connection without constant fear.
At Walk With Me Counseling Center, we work with people across Illinois through online therapy who are navigating ROCD, anxiety, and relationship struggles. Our therapists are culturally responsive and trained to help you understand what's driving these patterns and find ways to break the cycle.
If you're wrestling with constant doubts about your relationship, or if anxiety is affecting your ability to connect with your partner, therapy can help. We offer free 15-minute consultations where you can talk through what's going on and see if this feels like a good fit. We're also in network with BCBS PPO and Aetna PPO, which can make support more accessible.
You don't have to keep living in this loop. There's a way through, and you don't have to find it alone.
