How to Set Boundaries with Friends Who Drain You

You have a friend who takes. And takes. And takes.

They call when they need something. They vent for hours. They expect you to drop everything when they're in crisis. But when you need support, they're busy. Or they minimize what you're going through. Or they turn the conversation back to themselves.

You leave every interaction exhausted. Resentful. Used. But you don't say anything. Because they're going through a hard time. Because you don't want to be a bad friend. Because you're worried that if you set a boundary, the friendship will end.

So you keep showing up. Keep giving. Keep draining yourself. Until you have nothing left.

Many people we work with in therapy across Illinois describe having friends who drain them, but feel guilty about setting boundaries. They know the friendship is one-sided. But they don't know how to change it without losing the person entirely.

Learning how to set boundaries without feeling guilty in friendships starts with understanding why guilt shows up in the first place. For many people, emotional burnout in friendships is tied to people-pleasing patterns and codependent friendship dynamics that developed early in life.

If you have friends who drain you, here's what you need to know. Friendship should be reciprocal. And if it's not, setting boundaries doesn't mean. It's necessary. Learning how to set boundaries without feeling guilty means recognizing that protecting your energy isn't the same as abandoning someone.

What Draining Friendships Look Like

Not all draining friendships look the same. But they share common patterns.

• The friend who only calls when they need something. You don't hear from them for weeks. Then suddenly they're in crisis and need you immediately. And you drop everything because that's what friends do. But when you need them, they're nowhere to be found.

• The emotional vampire. Every conversation is about their problems. Their drama. Their stress. You listen. You support. You give advice. But they never ask how you're doing. And if you try to share, they bring it back to themselves within minutes.

• The friend who doesn't respect your time. They show up unannounced. They expect you to be available whenever they want. They get upset if you have other plans. And they make you feel guilty for having a life outside of them. For example, A friend regularly calls at 11 pm, knowing you have to wake up early for work. When you don't answer, they text "I guess you don't have time for me anymore." That's not respecting your time—that's guilt-tripping you for having boundaries.

• The crisis-dependent friend. They travel from crisis to crisis. And every crisis requires your immediate attention. You've given them advice. Resources. Support. But nothing changes. Because they don't actually want to solve the problem. They want you to carry it for them.

• The friend who takes your support for granted. You've been there through everything. But they don't appreciate it. They don't reciprocate. And they act like your support is something they're entitled to, not something you're choosing to give.

Why You Don't Set Boundaries with Friends

Setting boundaries with friends feels harder than it should. Here's why.

Your nervous system learned that maintaining harmony and carrying emotional labor for others is how you keep relationships. Many adults develop patterns of overgiving in friendships to secure connection. When friendships are tied to your sense of belonging, your nervous system may interpret boundaries as a threat, even when the friendship is unhealthy.

In adult friendships, anxious attachment often shows up as overgiving and people-pleasing. You give more than you receive because you're afraid that setting limits will make people leave. Avoidant attachment often shows up as silent resentment and ghosting instead of direct communication—you pull away rather than address the imbalance.

• You don't want to seem selfish. Friendship is about being there for people. And setting boundaries feels like you're saying you don't care. So you keep giving. Even when it's hurting you.

• You're afraid of losing the friendship. If you set a boundary, they might get upset. They might pull away. And you'd rather be drained than alone.

• You feel guilty about their struggles. They're going through something hard. How can you set boundaries when they need you? That feels cruel. So you sacrifice yourself to help them. Even though it's destroying you.

• You've been taught that good friends don't have limits. That if you really cared, you'd be available always. And setting boundaries means you're not a good friend. But that's not true. Boundaries don't make you a bad friend. They make the friendship sustainable.

• Some family systems or cultural environments teach that loyalty means overavailability. That can make friendship boundaries feel like betrayal. If you grew up in a culture that values collective care over individual limits, saying no to friends can feel like abandoning your values. But protecting yourself doesn't mean you don't care about community. It means you're recognizing that sustainable care requires boundaries.

6 Ways to Set Boundaries with Draining Friends

If you're ready to set boundaries, here's how to do it without destroying the friendship.

1. Be honest about what you can give. "I can talk for 20 minutes tonight, but then I have to go." "I can't help you move, but I can bring you dinner this week." Don't overcommit and then resent them for taking what you offered.

For example, A friend calls in crisis for the third time this week. Instead of saying "I'm always here for you" when you're exhausted, try "I care about you, but I'm at capacity right now. Can we talk tomorrow?"

2. Stop being available 24/7. You don't have to answer every call. You don't have to respond to every text immediately. You can say, "I'll call you back tomorrow." Constant availability trains people to expect it. And then they're upset when you're not.

3. Redirect crisis conversations. "I care about you, but I'm not equipped to help with this. Have you thought about talking to a therapist?" You're not their therapist. You're their friend. And you can't fix everything.

4. Ask for reciprocity. "I've been supporting you through a lot. I need you to show up for me, too." If they can't, that tells you everything you need to know about the friendship.

5. Practice emotional boundaries. You can care about someone without taking on their problems. Supporting doesn't mean solving.

6. Let some friendships fade. Not every friendship is meant to last forever. And if the only way to maintain it is by exhausting yourself, it's okay to let it go. You don't owe anyone access to you at the cost of your well-being. Fading isn't passive aggression if it's intentional self-protection—it's recognizing that not all relationships need a formal ending.

When Friends Don't Respect Your Boundaries

If you set a boundary and your friend ignores it, that's a problem.

Healthy friends might be surprised. They might even be hurt. But they adjust. They respect the boundary even if they don't like it. Because they care about you.

Draining friends’ guilt you. They act wounded. They accuse you of not caring. They make you feel like you're the bad guy for having limits. And then they continue doing exactly what you asked them to stop.

That's not friendship. That's using you. And you don't owe them your energy just because they refuse to respect your boundaries.

The Difference Between Supporting and Enabling

There's a difference between being a supportive friend and being an enabler.

Supporting means being there when someone needs you. Listening. Offering help when you can. Encouraging them to take steps toward solving their problems.

Enabling means doing everything for them. Carrying their problems for them. Protecting them from consequences. And allowing them to stay stuck because you're making it comfortable for them to do so.

If your friend is in the same crisis they were in a year ago, and you've been supporting them the whole time, you might be enabling. And setting boundaries isn't abandoning them. It's giving them space to take responsibility for their own life.

If you notice this pattern showing up not just in friendships but in romantic relationships, family, and work, that's usually a deeper attachment pattern worth exploring in therapy.

Getting Support

If you're exhausted from friendships that drain you, if you don't know how to set boundaries without losing people, or if you're struggling with guilt about protecting your energy, therapy can help.

At Walk With Me Counseling Center in Chicago, we work with people across Illinois through online therapy who are learning to set boundaries with friends, navigate one-sided relationships, and protect their energy without guilt. We specialize in attachment-focused therapy and relationship trauma. Our therapists are culturally responsive and can help you develop boundaries that feel sustainable and aligned with who you are.

Many professionals in Illinois who balance work and relationships reach out because they're overwhelmed by friendships that drain them. You don't need to be in crisis to get support.

We offer free 15-minute consultations so you can talk through what's going on and see if therapy feels like the right support. Many clients find relief in learning that they can use BCBS PPO or Aetna PPO benefits to make therapy financially accessible.

Frequently Asked Questions

How do I know if a friendship is draining or if I'm just being selfish? If you consistently leave interactions feeling exhausted, resentful, or unappreciated, the friendship is draining. If your friend only reaches out when they need something and doesn't reciprocate support, it's one-sided. That's not you being selfish. That's you recognizing an imbalanced relationship.

What if my friend gets mad when I set boundaries? Healthy friends might be surprised or hurt initially, but they adjust and respect your limits. If your friend gets angry, guilt-trips you, or continues ignoring your boundaries, that's a sign they value their access to you more than your well-being.

Can I set boundaries without ending the friendship? Yes. Many friendships survive boundaries and even get healthier because of them. But some friendships were only working because you had no limits. If the friendship can't survive boundaries, it wasn't sustainable anyway.

Is it okay to let a friendship fade rather than have a confrontation? Yes. Not every friendship needs a dramatic ending. Sometimes the healthiest thing is to gradually step back—respond less quickly, be less available, and let the relationship naturally fade. That's not cruel. That's self-preservation.

How do I stop feeling guilty for not being available all the time? Remind yourself that you're not responsible for fixing other people's problems or being their primary source of support. Friendship should be mutual. If you're the only one giving, you're not being a bad friend by setting limits. You're protecting your capacity to show up sustainably.

Draining friendships don't get better on their own. They get worse. Because the more you give without boundaries, the more they expect. And the more they expect, the more resentful you become. Setting boundaries doesn't mean you don't care. It means you care about yourself too. And if the friendship can't survive that, it wasn't a friendship worth keeping.