How Trauma Shapes the Stories We Tell Ourselves (And How to Heal)

Something painful happened to you. Maybe it was years ago. Maybe it was recent. But either way, you carry a story about it in your head. And that story affects everything. How you see yourself, how you show up in relationships, and what you think you're capable of.

The thing is, the story you've been telling yourself about what happened might not be the only story you could tell. The facts stay the same, but the meaning you give those facts can change. And when the meaning changes, everything else can shift too.

The Stories We Build From Pain

Think about something hard you've lived through. A loss. A betrayal. A failure. A trauma. When you remember it, what do you feel? Shame? Anger? Sadness? Or maybe strength and resilience?

That difference doesn't come from the event itself. It comes from the story you've told yourself about it, and that story shapes how you see yourself and what you believe is possible for you.

Here's an example. Two people go through the same car accident. One person walks away thinking, "I'm lucky to be alive, and I handled that crisis well." The other person thinks, "I should have seen it coming; this proves I can't trust myself." Same accident. Completely different stories. Completely different impacts on their lives going forward.

When Stories Form Too Early

A lot of the hardest stories we carry started when we were kids. Research shows that most adults have been through at least one difficult or traumatic experience in childhood. Things like neglect, abuse, witnessing violence, or losing someone important.

When you're a kid, you don't have the tools to make sense of hard things in healthy ways. You just try to survive. And often, the story your brain comes up with to explain what happened puts the blame on you.

A kid who loses a parent might think, "This happened because I wasn't good enough." A kid who gets yelled at constantly might decide, "I'm bad and I deserve this." A kid who gets hurt by someone they trusted might conclude "people can't be trusted, and I have to protect myself from everyone."

These stories make sense when you're young and trying to survive. But they don't have to be the stories you keep telling as an adult.

Many people we work with in therapy here in Chicago and across Illinois describe carrying stories from childhood that still shape how they see themselves today. Stories that made sense once but now just keep them stuck.

Your Brain Can Actually Change Old Memories

Here's something most people don't know. Memories aren't locked in stone. Every time you remember something, your brain actually has to rebuild that memory. And during that rebuilding process, the memory can change.

Scientists call this memory reconsolidation, but you don't need to remember that term. What matters is this: when you bring up an old memory, especially in a safe space like therapy, you have a chance to attach new meaning to it.

It works like this. Something reminds you of the past. A smell, a place, a feeling. The memory comes up. And for a brief window, that memory is flexible. You can add new information, new perspective, new understanding. Then your brain saves the memory again, but this time with the new meaning attached.

So the next time you remember it, the new story is part of the memory itself.

This is why therapy can be so powerful. In a safe environment with someone trained to guide you, old painful memories can be revisited and reshaped. Over time, the same memory that used to leave you feeling broken can become proof of your strength.

What Changing Your Story Actually Looks Like

Let's go back to that example of losing a parent as a kid. At seven years old, the story might have been "it's my fault, I wasn't good enough." But as an adult, with support and perspective, the story can shift to "I went through something devastating, and I'm still here. I found ways to survive. I'm stronger than I knew."

The facts haven't changed. The parent still died. But the meaning has shifted from guilt and shame to resilience and survival. That doesn't erase the grief. But it does change what you believe about yourself.

It's Not About Pretending It Didn't Happen

Some people worry that changing your story about the past means you're just pretending or lying to yourself. But that's not what this is.

You're not rewriting facts. You're rewriting the meaning.

Here's an example. Say you were betrayed by someone you trusted.

One story you could tell: "I can't trust anyone. People always hurt me. I have to keep everyone at a distance."

Another story you could tell: "That betrayal taught me the importance of boundaries. It showed me what I won't accept anymore. It led me to healthier relationships."

Both stories acknowledge the betrayal that happened. But one leaves you feeling stuck and scared. The other leaves you feeling wiser and more in control.

Changing your story is about claiming the version that helps you move forward, not the one that keeps you trapped.

What Happens When You Rewrite Your Story

When you start reshaping the stories you carry, things start to shift in your life.

You handle stress better because old pain isn't running the show anymore. Your mental health improves as feelings of shame, guilt, and fear start to lighten. Your relationships get healthier because you're not carrying the same old wounds into every interaction. You feel clearer about what you want because you're not stuck in victim mode anymore. Life feels lighter when you're not constantly reinforcing old hurt.

How to Start

You don't have to wait for therapy to begin this work, though therapy makes it safer and more effective. Here are some ways to start exploring your own stories.

• Write it out twice. Take an old painful memory and write it down the way you've always told it. Then write it again, this time looking for any signs of strength, growth, or learning. Notice what shifts.

• Talk to yourself with compassion. When an old memory comes up, add a line like "the younger me didn't know better, but I see my strength now."

• Look for the hidden moments of courage. Even in your hardest times, you did things that took bravery. Add those moments to your story.

• Share with safe people. Tell your revised story to someone who can reflect back your growth and resilience.

Of course, deeper trauma work is best done with a professional who knows how to guide you through it safely.

Becoming the Hero of Your Own Life

At the heart of this work is the chance to step back into your own story as someone who survived, adapted, and grew. Not as someone powerless or broken, but as someone who made it through.

Ask yourself these questions. What does the wiser version of me know now that the younger me didn't? How does this new understanding change what that old event means? What kind of person do I want to be in the story of my life?

These questions can open doors you didn't know were there.

Your Story Is Still Being Written

Your past shaped you. But it doesn't get to write the rest of your life. The stories you carry about what happened can evolve as you grow. By revisiting and reshaping old memories, you give yourself the gift of new meaning, lighter emotions, and more freedom.

You really can become the person who survived and thrived, not just the person things happened to.

When You Need Support to Rewrite

Changing the stories you tell yourself about trauma isn't easy work. It's not something you should have to do alone. And some memories are too heavy or too painful to work through without professional guidance.

At Walk With Me Counseling Center, we work with adults across Illinois through online therapy. Our therapists are culturally responsive and trained to help people work through trauma, painful memories, and the stories that keep them stuck.

If you're noticing that old pain is still running your life, or if you're ready to start telling a different story about what you've been through, therapy can help. We offer free 15 minute consultations if you want to talk through what's going on and see if this feels like a good fit. We're also in network with BCBS PPO and Aetna PPO, which can make support more accessible.

You don't have to stay trapped in old stories. And you don't have to rewrite them by yourself.