Is My Partner a Narcissist, or Are They Just Being Selfish

"Is my partner a narcissist, or are they just being selfish?"

This is one of the most common questions we hear from people in therapy here in Chicago and across Illinois. With terms like "narcissist" and "toxic" being thrown around constantly on social media, it's easy to get confused about what actually counts as narcissistic behavior versus a clinical personality disorder.

If you're reading this, chances are you're exhausted, confused, and wondering if you're the one overreacting. You're not. Understanding the difference between selfish behavior and a personality disorder matters, and it can help you set realistic expectations, protect your mental health, and make informed decisions about your relationships.

What the Diagnosis Actually Requires

You don't need to memorize this list. It's here to show patterns, not to help you label someone. Only a licensed professional can diagnose a personality disorder.

For someone to be diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, they need to show at least five of these nine patterns consistently over time:

The Nine Clinical Criteria for NPD

⚖️ Diagnosis Requirement: For someone to receive an NPD diagnosis, they must exhibit at least 5 of these 9 criteria consistently across different contexts.

• 1. Grandiose Sense of Self-Importance

  • Exaggerates achievements and talents

  • Expects recognition as superior without warranting accomplishments

  • Claims to be "the best" despite average performance
    
    Example: Insisting they're more intelligent than college-educated colleagues despite having no formal education

• 2. Preoccupied with Fantasies

  • Unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love

  • Consuming fantasies that interfere with reality

  • Hours spent imagining future fame or perfect worship

• 3. Believes They Are "Special" and Unique

  • Can only be understood by other "special" people

  • Associates only with high-status individuals/institutions

  • Name-dropping and refusing "regular" establishments

• 4. Requires Excessive Admiration

  • Constant, insatiable need for praise

  • Becomes depressed/angry without regular admiration

  • Acts out to regain attention when not receiving it

• 5. Sense of Entitlement

  • Unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment

  • Expects automatic compliance with their wishes

  • Genuinely confused when not receiving preferential treatment

• 6. Interpersonally Exploitative

  • Uses others to achieve personal goals

  • Takes advantage without recognizing impact

  • Seeks money, connections, or support without reciprocating

• 7. Lacks Empathy (Most Damaging for Relationships)

  • Unwilling/unable to recognize others' feelings and needs

  • Struggles to understand others' emotions are real and important

  • Not choosing to be uncaring—genuinely cannot connect

• 8. Envious or Believes Others Are Envious

  • Consumed with envy of others' success/relationships

  • Assumes others are jealous without evidence

  • Projects their own competitive feelings onto others

• 9. Arrogant, Haughty Behaviors

  • Condescending and talking down to others

  • Interrupts and dismisses different opinions

  • Makes others feel small through words and actions

📊 Reality Check: The key difference between someone with the disorder and someone who's just having a selfish moment? Severity and consistency. We all have some of these traits sometimes. A diagnosis means these patterns are persistent, inflexible, and causing real damage to relationships and daily functioning.

The Range From Healthy to Disorders

Healthy Self-Regard

Not everyone who acts self-centered has a personality disorder. There's a spectrum.

Healthy confidence looks like being proud of what you've accomplished, knowing you deserve to be treated well, believing you have something valuable to offer, being able to genuinely celebrate when good things happen to other people, and showing real empathy and concern for others.

• "I'm proud of my accomplishments."

• "I deserve to be treated well."

• "I have valuable contributions to make."

• Can celebrate others' successes

• Shows genuine empathy and concern for others

Narcissistic Traits (Subclinical)

Narcissistic traits that don't rise to the level of a disorder might look like thinking you're better at things than most people, believing you deserve special recognition for your work, feeling like people don't appreciate how talented you are, struggling to feel happy for others when they succeed, and showing empathy mostly for people you identify with or relate to.

• "I'm better at this than most people."

• "I deserve special recognition for my work."

• "People don't appreciate how talented I am."

• May struggle to celebrate others' successes

• Shows selective empathy (mainly for people they identify with)

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

• "I'm the best at everything I do."

• "I deserve special treatment everywhere I go."

• "Everyone else is inferior to me."

• Cannot genuinely celebrate others' successes

• Shows little to no empathy for others' experiences

A full disorder looks much more extreme. Thinking you're the best at everything you do, believing you deserve special treatment everywhere you go, seeing everyone else as inferior, being unable to genuinely celebrate others' successes, and showing little to no real empathy for what others experience.

If you're noticing these patterns in someone close to you, that recognition matters. It often shows up most clearly in your relationships, where patterns become harder to ignore.

Two Different Ways It Shows Up

There are two main ways narcissistic patterns can present, and one is much harder to spot than the other.

Grandiose (Overt) Narcissism

The obvious type is what most people picture when they think of a narcissist. These are people who are like peacocks; everything they do is designed to get attention and admiration. They're often charismatic and confident at first, which can make them initially attractive to others.

Characteristics include:

• Openly boastful and attention-seeking

• Dominates conversations and social situations

• Becomes visibly upset when not the center of attention

• Exaggerates achievements and talents

• Shows off possessions, relationships, or status symbols

• Reacts with anger when challenged or criticized

I remember one client describing her father's behavior at her college graduation. Instead of celebrating her achievement, he spent the entire dinner talking about his own college days, how much harder things were back then, and how his grades were superior. He couldn't let her have her moment—everything had to circle back to him.

Vulnerable (Covert) Narcissism

This type is much harder to identify and often more psychologically damaging to those around them. On the surface, they may appear insecure, sensitive, or victimized. But underneath lies the same core issue: an inflated sense of self-importance and lack of genuine empathy.

Characteristics include:

• Appears shy, insecure, or anxious

• Plays the victim in most situations

• Uses guilt and manipulation rather than overt demands

• Believes they're misunderstood or unappreciated

• Becomes passive-aggressive when they don't get their way

• Makes others feel guilty for having boundaries or needs

One client described her mother this way: "She always acts like she's the most hurt person in any situation. If I try to tell her she's upset me, suddenly she's crying about how terrible she feels and how she's such a bad mother. I end up comforting her instead of getting my own needs met."

If these descriptions stirred something in you, take a breath. Many people recognize this pattern only after years of confusion. You're not imagining it.

When Someone Has Traits But Not the Full Disorder

Many people display some narcissistic behaviors without meeting the full criteria for NPD. This might be due to:

• This might happen because of situational stress like job loss, relationship problems, or health issues.

• It might come up during life transitions like a midlife crisis, career changes, or major losses.

• It might be tied to other mental health conditions like depression, anxiety, or bipolar disorder.

• Substance use can make narcissistic behaviors worse.

• Cultural factors play a role, too, since some cultures emphasize individual achievement more than others.

The difference is that these behaviors are usually temporary, tied to a specific situation, or less severe than what shows up in a full disorder.

But even if it's situational, it can still hurt. If someone's behavior is affecting your well-being, that matters regardless of the diagnosis.

When It Becomes a Problem Even Without a Diagnosis

Even if someone doesn't meet the full criteria for the disorder, narcissistic traits can still seriously damage relationships. Many people we work with in therapy here in Chicago and across Illinois describe feeling exhausted, confused, and hurt by someone who might not have a diagnosis but still shows these patterns. Consider seeking professional help if you notice:

• Consistent patterns of self-centered behavior that don't improve over time

• Inability to show genuine empathy or concern for others

• Relationships that feel one-sided or emotionally draining

• Frequent conflicts about respect, boundaries, or consideration

• Feeling like you're constantly walking on eggshells

• Your mental health is suffering due to the relationship dynamics

Why Professional Assessment Matters

While understanding these criteria can be helpful, it's crucial to remember that only licensed mental health professionals can diagnose personality disorders. There are several reasons why professional assessment is important:

Personality disorders are complex and often show up alongside other mental health conditions. What looks like narcissism might actually be depression, bipolar disorder, or trauma responses. A proper assessment looks at the full picture.

Understanding whether you're dealing with a personality disorder versus situational behaviors helps you make informed decisions. The strategies for dealing with someone who has the disorder are different from those for someone going through a difficult time.

And here's what you need to know: you don't need a diagnosis to get support for yourself. If the relationship is hurting you, that's enough

What This Means for Your Relationships

If you suspect someone in your life may have NPD or significant narcissistic traits, this knowledge can help you:

• Set realistic expectations about what the relationship can provide

• Develop appropriate boundaries to protect your mental health

• Understand that their behavior isn't about you or something you can fix

• Make informed decisions about the level of involvement you want in the relationship

• Seek appropriate support for yourself, whether or not they're willing to get help

Getting Support

At Walk With Me Counseling Center, we work with people across Illinois through online therapy who are dealing with narcissistic dynamics in their relationships. Whether you're trying to understand if someone in your life has the disorder, healing from a relationship with someone who has narcissistic traits, or questioning your own behaviors, professional support can provide clarity and help you develop healthier strategies.

We understand that these situations are complex and emotionally exhausting. Our therapists are Black, culturally responsive, and trained to work with relationship dynamics in ways that are trauma-informed and recognize how cultural background, family history, and personal experiences all play a role.

If you're struggling with these relationship patterns, you don't have to figure it out alone. We offer free 15 minute consultations where you can talk through what's going on and see if therapy feels like a good fit. We're also in network with BCBS PPO and Aetna PPO, which can make support more accessible.

You deserve relationships that don't leave you drained, confused, or questioning your own reality. Support is available when you're ready.

How Narcissistic Personality Disorder is Treated

The primary treatment for NPD is psychotherapy, commonly known as talk therapy. While there's no medication specifically for NPD, therapy can be highly effective when the person is genuinely committed to change.

Therapeutic Approaches That Help

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) helps individuals learn emotional regulation skills, improve interpersonal relationships, and develop distress tolerance. For people with NPD, this can be particularly helpful in learning to manage criticism and developing genuine empathy.

Schema Therapy. This approach focuses on identifying and changing deeply rooted patterns of thinking and behavior that developed in childhood. It can help people with NPD understand the origins of their need for admiration and superiority.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) helps individuals identify distorted thought patterns and develop more realistic ways of thinking about themselves and others. It can be effective in addressing the grandiose thinking patterns common in NPD.

The Challenge of Treatment

One of the biggest obstacles in treating NPD is that many people with this condition don't seek help voluntarily. This happens for several reasons:

Lack of Self-Awareness: People with NPD often don't recognize that their behavior is problematic. Their self-image is built around being superior to others, making it difficult to acknowledge they need help.

Fear of Vulnerability Therapy requires admitting weaknesses and being vulnerable—something that feels threatening to someone whose identity is built on being "better than" others.

Blame Externalization When problems arise in relationships, people with NPD typically blame others rather than examining their own behavior.

Ego Protection Seeking therapy can feel like admitting defeat or inferiority, which conflicts with their grandiose self-image.

When Treatment is Most Successful

People with NPD are most likely to engage in treatment when:

• They're facing significant consequences (job loss, divorce, legal issues)

• They're experiencing depression or anxiety alongside their NPD

• A trusted person encourages them to seek help

• They're motivated by a specific goal (saving a relationship, improving work performance)

"Am I a Narcissist?" - Self-Reflection Questions

If you're wondering whether you might have narcissistic traits, this self-awareness is actually a positive sign. People with severe NPD rarely question their own behavior. However, honest self-reflection can be valuable for anyone.

Questions to Consider

About Your Relationships:

• Do I genuinely care about how my actions affect others?

• Can I celebrate others' successes without feeling threatened or competitive?

• Do I listen to understand, or do I listen to respond with my own stories?

• When someone criticizes me, do I consider whether they might be right?

• Do I apologize sincerely when I've hurt someone, or do I deflect and blame?

About Your Self-Image:

• Do I need constant praise and admiration to feel good about myself?

• Do I often feel like I'm better or more important than others?

• Do I have fantasies about unlimited success, power, or being recognized as special?

• Do I feel entitled to special treatment or consideration?

• Do I get angry when I don't receive the recognition I think I deserve?

About Empathy:

• Can I put myself in others' shoes and truly understand their feelings?

• Do I show genuine concern when others are struggling?

• Do I remember and ask about important events in others' lives?

• Can I be happy for others without making it about me?

If You're Concerned About Your Own Behavior

Seek Professional Assessment. A mental health professional can provide an objective evaluation and help you understand your patterns of thinking and behavior.

Practice Self-Compassion. Recognizing problematic patterns doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you someone who's willing to grow and change.

Start Small Begin by practicing active listening, asking others about their experiences, and genuinely trying to understand different perspectives.

Work on Emotional Regulation: Learn healthy ways to cope with criticism and disappointment that don't involve lashing out or withdrawing.

The Difference Between Confidence and Narcissism

It's important to distinguish between healthy self-esteem and problematic narcissistic traits:

Healthy Confidence

• Believes in their abilities while recognizing limitations

• Can accept constructive criticism and learn from mistakes

• Celebrates others' successes genuinely

• Shows empathy and concern for others

• Takes responsibility for their actions

• Doesn't need constant validation to feel worthy

Narcissistic Traits

• Believes they're superior to others in most ways

• Reacts defensively or angrily to any criticism

• Feels threatened by others' successes

• Struggles to show genuine empathy

• Blames others when things go wrong

• Requires constant admiration and praise

Moving Forward with Clarity

Understanding the clinical difference between narcissistic traits and NPD isn't about labeling or diagnosing others—it's about gaining clarity on your own experiences so you can make informed decisions about your relationships and well-being.

Whether someone has full NPD or just problematic narcissistic traits, the impact on your mental health can be significant. You deserve relationships built on mutual respect, genuine empathy, and emotional reciprocity.

Remember: you can't change someone else's personality or force them to seek help. But you can take steps to protect your own mental health and build the supportive relationships you deserve.

Ready to gain clarity on your situation? Contact Walk With Me Counseling Center in Chicago for your free 15-minute consultation. We provide expert assessment and support for individuals and couples throughout Illinois via secure virtual sessions.

Your mental health matters. Professional support is available. You don't have to navigate this alone.

Walk With Me Counseling Center
Chicago-based Black therapists serving Illinois virtually
Individual, couples, and family therapy
Specializing in personality disorders and relationship dynamics