Why You Keep Going Back to Old Habits (And How to Stop)
The Myth of the Quick Fix
We've all been there. We decide we're going to change our lives, and we go all in. We overhaul our diet, commit to an intense workout plan, and swear off all our bad habits at once. For a few days, or even a few weeks, it works. We feel amazing, powerful, unstoppable.
And then, inevitably, we crash. Life gets in the way, stress piles up, and we find ourselves right back where we started, only now with an added layer of shame and self-blame.
The problem isn't you. The problem is the approach. The "all or nothing" mentality might work for a short burst, but it's not sustainable. Real, lasting change happens slowly, incrementally, and with a lot of self-compassion.
Understanding Your Nervous System States
Before we dive into specific strategies, it's important to understand the different states your nervous system can be in. This framework, based on Polyvagal Theory, helps explain why you might feel motivated one day and completely overwhelmed the next.
Key idea: Sustainable change isn't about forcing yourself to be more disciplined. It's about creating a sense of safety for your nervous system and building new habits in a way that feels manageable and supportive.
Ventral Vagal (Safe & Social): When you feel calm, connected, and engaged, your brain is open to learning and change. This is when new habits feel exciting and achievable.
Sympathetic (Fight or Flight): When you feel anxious, stressed, or overwhelmed, your nervous system shifts into survival mode. In this state, you naturally revert to old patterns because your brain is focused on getting through the moment, not building something new.
Dorsal Vagal (Shutdown): When you feel numb, disconnected, or exhausted, you can't even think about habits or change. Your body has essentially hit pause to protect you from overwhelm.
The key is to work on regulating your nervous system first, so that you can create change from a place of safety rather than stress.
Strategy: Start Small and Build Safety
When your nervous system perceives a change as too big or too threatening, it will resist. This is why starting small is so important. Small changes signal to your brain that you're safe, which makes it easier to build momentum over time.
Instead of: "I'm going to work out for an hour every day."
Try: "I'm going to do 5 minutes of stretching every morning."
Instead of: "I'm cutting out all sugar starting today."
Try: "I'm going to add one serving of vegetables to my lunch."
These small changes might not feel impressive, but they're building something much more important than quick results: they're building trust with your nervous system.
Habit Stacking
Habit stacking is a technique where you attach a new habit to an existing one. This works because your brain already has a neural pathway for the existing habit, so you're essentially piggybacking the new habit onto something that's already automatic.
Formula: After [EXISTING HABIT], I will [NEW HABIT].
Examples:
After I pour my morning coffee, I will write down one thing I'm grateful for
After I brush my teeth at night, I will do 3 deep breaths
After I sit down at my desk, I will spend 2 minutes planning my day
The key is to make the new habit so small and easy that it feels almost effortless. Once it becomes automatic, you can gradually build on it.
The 2 Minute Rule
The 2-Minute Rule, popularized by James Clear in Atomic Habits, states that any new habit should take less than two minutes to do. The idea is to make the habit so easy that you can't say no.
Examples:
"Read before bed" becomes "Read one page."
"Do yoga" becomes "Take out my yoga mat."
"Study for class" becomes "Open my notes."
The goal isn't to stop at two minutes (though you can if you want). The goal is to show up consistently. Once you've built the habit of showing up, you can gradually increase the time and intensity.
Regulate Before You Redirect
This is one of the most important strategies for sustainable change, and it's often overlooked. Before you try to change a behavior, take a moment to regulate your nervous system.
When you notice yourself reaching for an old habit, pause and ask:
What am I feeling right now?
What does my body need?
Am I stressed, tired, hungry, or overwhelmed?
Then, choose a regulating activity:
Take 3 deep breaths
Go for a short walk
Drink a glass of water
Call a friend
Listen to calming music
Once you've regulated, you'll be in a much better state to make a conscious choice about your behavior, rather than defaulting to the old pattern.
Strategy: Celebrate the Effort, Not Just the Outcome
One of the biggest mistakes people make when trying to change is only celebrating the end result. But the truth is, the effort itself is worth celebrating. Every time you show up, even if it's imperfect, you're rewiring your brain.
Ways to celebrate small wins:
Give yourself a mental high-five
Check off a box on a habit tracker
Share your progress with a supportive friend
Take a moment to acknowledge how far you've come
Celebrating the effort reinforces the neural pathways associated with the new habit, making it more likely to stick.
Creating a Supportive Environment
Your environment plays a huge role in your ability to create sustainable change. If your environment is set up to support your old habits, it's going to be much harder to build new ones.
Make the new habit easy:
Put your workout clothes out the night before
Keep healthy snacks at eye level in the fridge
Set up your meditation cushion in a visible spot
Make the old habit hard:
Delete social media apps from your phone
Put junk food in a hard-to-reach cabinet
Turn off notifications that distract you
Small environmental changes can have a big impact on your ability to follow through.
When Change Feels Impossible
Sometimes the patterns we're trying to shift aren't just habits—they're protective responses our body learned a long time ago. If you've been trying to change something for years and it still feels impossible, that struggle might be telling you something deeper.
Sustainable change often requires support, especially when patterns are rooted in long-term stress, trauma, or nervous system dysregulation. Working with a therapist can help you understand why certain habits feel hard to change and how to build safety before asking your body to do something new.
Ready to create sustainable change?
Walk With Me Counseling Center is a virtual therapy practice serving clients across Illinois, including Chicago. We work with people who are tired of fighting themselves and ready to try a different approach—one that honors the nervous system rather than forcing it.
Free consultations are available.
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