When Forgiveness Feels Impossible (And Why That's Okay)

Someone probably told you that you need to forgive.

Maybe it was a friend who meant well. Maybe it was a family member who just wanted you to feel better. Maybe it was something you read, something you heard at church, or something you've been telling yourself because you think that's what healing is supposed to look like.

And maybe when you heard it, something inside you tightened. Not because you're stubborn or bitter or stuck. But because forgiveness—right now—feels like the least safe thing you could do.

If that's true for you, I want you to know that feeling makes sense.

The Pressure Is Real

There's this idea that forgiveness is the finish line of healing. That if you're still angry, still hurt, still protecting yourself from someone who caused you harm, then you're not really moving forward. You're holding yourself back. You're choosing to suffer.

But what if that's not true?

What if the pressure to forgive—especially before you're ready, before you feel safe, before you even understand what happened to you—is actually making things harder?

Because forgiveness isn't neutral. It's not just a nice idea floating around in self-help books. For a lot of people, especially people who've been deeply hurt, forgiveness feels like being asked to open a door you just learned how to lock.

What Forgiveness Isn't

Let's start here because I think this is where much of the confusion lies.

Forgiveness doesn't mean what happened was okay. It doesn't mean you have to forget. It doesn't mean you owe anyone a relationship. It doesn't mean you're weak if you can't do it, and it doesn't mean you're healed if you can.

Forgiveness is not the same thing as reconciliation. You can forgive someone and never speak to them again. You can also not forgive someone and still move forward with your life.

And here's the part that matters most: forgiveness is not required for you to heal.

I know that might sound wrong. I know it goes against a lot of what you've been told. But healing doesn't have a checklist, and forgiveness isn't a mandatory step.

Why Your Body Resists Forgiveness

When you've been hurt—especially if that hurt involved betrayal, violation, or someone using power over you—your body learned something important: this person is not safe.

That's not a belief. It's not a story you're telling yourself. It's information your nervous system collected and stored because it had to.

So when someone says, "You should forgive them," what your body might hear is: "You should trust them again. You should let your guard down. You should act like the danger is over."

And if the danger isn't over—if that person hasn't changed, if they're still in your life, if they never even acknowledged what they did—then forgiveness doesn't feel like freedom. It feels like betrayal. Of yourself.

That's not you being difficult. That's you listening to the part of you that kept you alive.

The Weight of "Letting Go"

People talk about letting go like it's something you just decide to do. Like anger and hurt are objects you're choosing to carry around, and if you were just a little stronger or a little wiser, you'd set them down.

But letting go isn't always a choice you get to make on your own timeline.

Sometimes what people call "holding on" is actually just... remembering. Staying aware. Refusing to pretend something didn't happen or didn't matter.

And sometimes the pressure to let go comes from people who are uncomfortable with your pain. Not because they don't care about you, but because they don't know how to sit with it. So they offer forgiveness as a solution, as a way to make things feel resolved.

But you don't owe anyone a neat ending.

What You Do Get to Do

You get to protect yourself.

You get to say no—to contact, to conversations, to people who expect you to be over it by now.

You get to feel angry. You get to feel scared. You get to not trust someone who broke your trust, even if they apologized, even if they're family, even if everyone else has moved on.

You get to take all the time you need.

You also get to change your mind. Maybe one day forgiveness will feel right, and maybe it won't. Both of those are okay. Healing doesn't follow a script.

What matters more than forgiveness is this: Do you feel safe? Do you feel like you have choices? Do you trust yourself?

Because those are the things that actually help you move forward.

When the Pressure Comes From Inside

Sometimes the hardest voice to quiet is your own.

I should be over this by now.

I'm a bad person for still being angry.

If I were stronger, I could forgive.

That voice—it's not really yours. It's made up of all the things you've absorbed about what it means to be good, to be mature, to be healed. And it can be louder and meaner than anything anyone else says to you.

If you're holding yourself to an impossible standard, I want to ask you something gently: Who taught you that your pain has an expiration date?

Because it doesn't.

And you're not failing if you're still working through it.

What About Self-Forgiveness?

A lot of people who've been hurt also blame themselves. For not seeing it coming. For staying too long. For how they reacted. For not being different, stronger, smarter, or more careful.

And then they are told they need to forgive themselves, as if that's a simple switch to flip.

But self-forgiveness isn't about forcing yourself to feel okay with choices you made under pressure, in pain, or without full information. It's quieter than that.

It's more like this: I see what I did. I understand why I did it. I was trying to survive. I was doing the best I could. And I don't have to punish myself anymore.

That's not something you achieve. It's something you practice, slowly, with a lot of gentleness.

The Truth About Healing

Here's what I want you to hear, if nothing else:

Healing is not the same thing as forgiveness.

Healing is learning to feel safe in your own body again. It's trusting yourself. It's building a life where you have choices. It's letting go of shame that was never yours to carry.

Forgiveness might be part of that for some people. But it's not the goal. It's not the requirement. And it's not the thing that proves you're okay.

You get to decide what healing looks like for you.

And if forgiveness never feels right? That doesn't mean you're broken. It doesn't mean you're stuck. It just means you chose something else—your safety, your boundaries, your truth.

That's more than enough.

You Don't Have to Do This Alone

If you're carrying the weight of whether or not to forgive, if you're confused about what you're supposed to feel, if the pressure—from others or from yourself—is making it hard to breathe, you don't have to figure this out by yourself.

Therapy can be a place where no one tells you what you're supposed to do. Where you're not rushed, not judged, not pushed toward forgiveness before you're ready. Where you can just be honest about how hard this is.

If you landed here because you typed "therapist near me" into Google and you're in Chicago, Illinois, you're in the right place. Walk With Me Counseling Center is an online counseling practice, which means we can support you anywhere in Illinois. You don't need to know what healing is supposed to look like yet. You just need a place where you can talk honestly and feel safe doing it.

Schedule your free consultation today!