How to Know When It's Time to Leave a Relationship
You've been thinking about leaving for a while now. Months, maybe. Or years.
But you're not sure. Because it's not like they're terrible. They're not abusive. They don't cheat. They're not cruel. They're just... not right. Or maybe they were right once, but they're not anymore. Or maybe you're not right for them. You don't know.
Not all harmful relationships look dramatic or abusive. Some are quietly eroding.
And that's the problem. You can't decide. You go back and forth. Some days you're sure you need to leave. Other days you think you're overreacting. That you're giving up too easily. That you should try harder.
So you stay. Not because you're happy. But because you're not sure if you're unhappy enough to justify leaving.
Many people we work with in therapy across Illinois describe being stuck in this exact place. They know something isn't right. But they don't know if it's bad enough to end the relationship. And they're terrified of making the wrong choice.
If this is you, here's what you need to know. There's no perfect formula for when to leave. But there are signs that can help you see more clearly what's actually happening.
Why It's So Hard to Know
Leaving a relationship is one of the hardest decisions you'll ever make. Even when you know it's not working. Even when you're miserable. Even when everyone around you can see it's over.
Here's why it's so hard. You're not just deciding about now. You're deciding about the future you imagined. The life you thought you'd build together. The person you hoped they'd become or you'd become with them.
And you're grieving that future even while you're still in the relationship. Which makes it almost impossible to think clearly.
You also might be holding onto the good parts. The memories of when it was good. The moments when you felt loved. The hope that it could be that way again. And those good parts make you question whether the bad parts are really that bad.
Or you might be scared. Scared of being alone. Scared of making a mistake. Scared of hurting them. Scared of starting over. Scared that no one else will want you.
All of this makes it nearly impossible to see the relationship clearly. And that's why you're stuck.
Signs It Might Be Time to Leave
There's no checklist that will tell you definitively when to go. But there are patterns that show up when a relationship has crossed from "struggling" to "unsalvageable."
You've lost yourself. You don't recognize who you are in this relationship. You've changed so much to accommodate them or keep the peace that you don't know what you actually want or need anymore.
You feel alone even when you're together. You're in the same room but completely disconnected. You can't remember the last time you had a real conversation. You don't feel seen or known by them anymore.
You're staying out of guilt or obligation, not love. You're staying because you don't want to hurt them. Or because you've been together so long. Or because you think you're supposed to. But not because you actually want to be there.
You've tried everything and nothing changes. You've had the conversations. You've gone to therapy. You've set boundaries. You've given it time. And nothing is different. They're not willing or able to meet you halfway.
You're fantasizing about being single. Not just casually wondering what it would be like. But actively imagining your life without them. And feeling relief when you do.
You don't trust them anymore. Not necessarily because they cheated. But because they've broken promises. Dismissed your feelings. Let you down repeatedly. And you can't shake the feeling that they won't show up for you when it matters.
The relationship is making you worse, not better. You're more anxious, more depressed, more insecure than you were before. The relationship isn't supporting your growth. It's stunting it.
What Keeps You Stuck
Even when you know deep down that you should leave, there are things that keep you from doing it.
The sunk cost fallacy. This is the belief that because you've already invested so much—time, energy, emotion—you can't leave now or it will all have been wasted. So you stay, hoping the relationship will eventually pay off. But staying in something that's not working doesn't make your past investment worth it. It just means you're losing more time to something that isn't right.
Fear of the unknown. You know what this relationship is, even if it's not good. You don't know what being single will be like. Or if you'll find someone else. Or if you'll be okay on your own. And the unknown feels scarier than the unhappy known.
Hope that they'll change. You've seen glimpses of who they could be. And you keep thinking if you just wait a little longer, love them a little better, or try a little harder, they'll become that person. But they haven't. And they might not.
Guilt about leaving. You're worried about what it will do to them. How they'll cope. Whether you're abandoning them. Whether you're being selfish. And that guilt makes you stay even when staying is hurting you.
The Question That Helps
If you're stuck trying to decide whether to leave, ask yourself this: If nothing about this relationship changed, would you still want to be in it five years from now?
Not if they change. Not if they go to therapy. Not if they finally do the thing they've been promising to do. If everything stays exactly as it is right now, would you want this to be your life?
If the answer is no, that's information. That's your answer.
Because staying and hoping they'll change is not a strategy. It's just postponing the decision. And the longer you wait for them to change, the more of your life you lose to a relationship that isn't working.
When to Try Harder vs. When to Leave
Sometimes relationships are worth fighting for. Sometimes they're not. Here's how to tell the difference:
Fight for it if both people want to make it work. If you're both willing to change, to compromise, to go to therapy, to do the hard work. If both people are invested in repairing the relationship, it's worth trying.
Leave if you're the only one trying. If you're doing all the work. All the compromising. All the changing. And they're not meeting you halfway. That's not a relationship. That's you fighting alone.
Fight for it if the issues are situational. If you're going through a hard time—stress, grief, major life changes—and the relationship is struggling because of external factors, not fundamental incompatibility.
Leave if the issues are about who they are. If the problem isn't circumstances, it's their character. Their values. Their unwillingness to grow. You can't fix that. And you can't build a future with someone who won't grow with you.
Getting Support
If you're stuck trying to decide whether to leave, if you're exhausted from going back and forth, or if you're scared to make a decision either way, therapy can help.
At Walk With Me Counseling Center in Chicago, we work with people across Illinois through online therapy who are trying to figure out whether to stay or go. Our therapists are culturally responsive and can help you see your relationship clearly, understand what's keeping you stuck, and make a decision that's right for you.
We offer free 15-minute consultations so you can talk through what's going on and see if therapy feels like the right support. Many people use insurance to make therapy more accessible, and we work with BCBS PPO and Aetna PPO.
Leaving a relationship is one of the hardest things you'll do. Even when you know it's right. Even when staying is hurting you. It's okay to be scared. It's okay to grieve. It's okay to not be sure.
But staying in a relationship that's not working because you're afraid, guilty, or hopeful isn't protecting you. It's just delaying the inevitable. And the longer you wait, the harder it gets.
You deserve a relationship where you don't have to question whether you should stay. Where you feel loved, seen, and valued. Where you're growing, not shrinking. And if that's not what you have now, it's okay to want something different. It's okay to leave. Even when it's hard. Even when it hurts. Even when you're scared.
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