How to Tell Someone They Hurt You Without Starting a Fight

Someone you care about hurt you. And now you're stuck.

If you bring it up, you're worried it will turn into a fight. They'll get defensive. They'll turn it around on you. Or they'll shut down completely. And then you'll feel even worse than you do now.

But if you don't say anything, the hurt just sits there. Building. Turning into resentment. Creating distance. And eventually, the relationship feels different in a way you can't quite name.

So you're stuck between speaking up and risking a fight, or staying quiet and letting the hurt fester.

Many people we work with in therapy across Illinois describe this exact dilemma. They want to address what happened. But they don't know how to do it without making things worse.

If this is you, here's what you need to know. It's possible to tell someone they hurt you in a way that brings you closer instead of pushing you apart. But it requires doing it differently than most of us were taught.

Why Bringing Up Hurt Usually Goes Wrong

Most of us learned to communicate pain in one of two ways. Attack or withdraw.

Attack looks like blame. "You always do this." "You're so selfish." "I can't believe you would say that to me." When you lead with blame, the other person gets defensive. They stop listening to your pain and start defending themselves. And suddenly you're in a fight about who's right, not about what hurt.

Withdraw looks like silence. You don't say anything. You act like everything's fine. But you pull away emotionally. You get colder. More distant. And when they ask what's wrong, you say "nothing." But it's definitely not nothing.

Both of these approaches protect you in the moment. Blame makes you feel powerful. Silence makes you feel safe. But neither one actually helps you heal or reconnect.

What Happens When You Lead With Blame

When you tell someone they hurt you by blaming them, here's what usually happens.

They get defensive. They explain why they didn't mean it that way. They tell you you're being too sensitive. They bring up something you did wrong. Or they shut down entirely.

None of this is what you wanted. You wanted them to understand. You wanted an apology. You wanted to feel close again.

But blame doesn't create closeness. It creates walls. Even when you're justified, starting with blame almost always makes things worse.

What Happens When You Stay Silent

Staying silent feels safer. You don't have to risk conflict. You don't have to be vulnerable. You can pretend everything's fine.

But silence turns the hurt inward. You replay what happened over and over. You start resenting them for something they might not even know they did. The distance grows.

And when they finally notice something's wrong, you've been sitting with this hurt for so long that it comes out as an explosion. Or you say "it's fine" and stay disconnected. Either way, the relationship suffers.

How to Actually Bring It Up

If blame and silence both make things worse, what actually works?

Start with your intention. Before you say anything, get clear on what you actually want from this conversation. Do you want them to understand how you feel? Do you want to feel close again? Do you want things to change going forward?

If your goal is just to punish them or prove you're right, the conversation probably won't go well. But if your goal is to reconnect and repair, that changes how you approach it.

Talk about your feelings, not their character. Instead of "you're so inconsiderate," try "I felt really hurt when that happened." Instead of "you always ignore me," try "I felt alone when I didn't hear from you."

Here's what this sounds like in real life. Instead of saying "You blew me off when I needed you," you might say "When I was going through that hard time and didn't hear from you, I felt really alone. I needed to know you were there." Same hurt, completely different landing.

This isn't about being soft or letting them off the hook. It's about making it possible for them to actually hear you. When you talk about your feelings, they can't argue with you. Your feelings are yours. But when you attack their character, they'll defend themselves instead of listening.

Don't assume you know why they did it. One of the biggest mistakes we make is assuming we know someone's intentions. "You did that because you don't care about me." "You said that to hurt me on purpose."

But most of the time, people don't hurt us on purpose. They're stressed, distracted, dealing with their own stuff. That doesn't make the hurt less real. But assuming the worst makes it harder to repair.

Instead of telling them why they did it, ask. "Can you help me understand what was going on for you?" "Was something else happening that I didn't know about?" Curiosity opens doors. Assumptions slam them shut.

Make it about repair, not just release. It's tempting to bring up your hurt just to get it off your chest. To tell them how they made you feel and then walk away. But if your goal is to actually heal the relationship, you need to leave room for repair.

That means expressing what you need going forward. Not just what they did wrong, but what would help. "Next time, I'd really appreciate a heads up if plans change." "It would mean a lot to me if you checked in when I'm going through something hard."

What to Do If They Get Defensive Anyway

Even when you do everything right, some people still get defensive. They shut down. They turn it around on you. They minimize your feelings.

It hurts deeply when someone can't hear your pain. When you've been vulnerable and careful and they still make it about themselves.

If that happens, you have a choice. You can keep trying to make them understand, which usually just escalates things. Or you can step back and decide if this is a pattern or a one-time reaction.

If it's a pattern, if they consistently can't hear your pain without making it about them, that's important information about the relationship. You might need support figuring out what to do with that information.

If it's a one-time thing, give them space and try again later. Sometimes people need time to process before they can respond well.

Getting Support

If you're struggling to communicate hurt without fighting, if conversations always escalate no matter how carefully you approach them, or if you're carrying pain from relationships that you don't know how to address, therapy can help.

At Walk With Me Counseling Center, we work with people across Illinois through online therapy who are trying to communicate better in their relationships and heal from hurt without creating more distance. Our therapists are culturally responsive and can help you understand your patterns, express your needs clearly, and navigate difficult conversations.

We offer free 15 minute consultations so you can talk through what's going on and see if therapy feels like the right support. Many people use insurance to make therapy more accessible, and we work with BCBS PPO and Aetna PPO.

Telling someone they hurt you is hard. It requires vulnerability. It requires being willing to be misunderstood or rejected. But staying silent and letting the hurt turn into resentment is harder in the long run.

You don't have to choose between protecting yourself and protecting the relationship. With the right approach, you can do both.