Why Trying Too Hard to Be Happy Makes You Miserable

You're having a good day. Maybe even a great one. And then you catch yourself thinking, “I need to hold onto this.” Please don't let this end. What if I'm not enjoying it enough?

Suddenly, the joy starts slipping away.

When it comes to happiness, you've probably heard contradictory advice. "Go after what makes you happy." But also, "Don't chase happiness—it will slip away." No wonder people get confused. And if you're someone who's trying really hard to be happy but somehow feeling worse, you're not doing anything wrong. You might just be holding on too tight.

The Two Ways We Mess Up Happiness

Many people we work with in therapy across Illinois describe struggling with happiness in one of two ways.

The first way is avoiding anything uncomfortable. You push down sadness, anxiety, fear, or frustration because you think you're not supposed to feel those things. You tell yourself you should just be grateful, just look on the bright side, just stay positive.

Think of it like trying to hold a beach ball underwater. You can push it down for a while, but the moment you lose your grip, it pops up even higher, often splashing you in the process. Avoiding uncomfortable feelings usually makes them stronger, not weaker.

The second way is clinging to happiness when you do feel it. You're having a good moment, and immediately you start worrying about when it will end. You try to make it last. You demand that it stay. You get anxious the second you feel it starting to fade.

It's like gripping a butterfly so tightly that you crush its wings. The harder you try to hold on to happiness, the faster it disappears.

Both of these patterns, avoiding pain and clinging to joy, drain your emotional energy and actually make you less happy over time.

Why Avoiding Pain Doesn't Work

Nobody wants to feel sad, anxious, or scared. That's completely normal. But when you spend all your energy trying to push those feelings away, a few things happen.

First, those feelings get stronger. The more you fight them, the more power they have over you. Second, you become hyper-focused on them. You're constantly checking: Am I still sad? Is the anxiety gone yet? Third, you start avoiding situations that might trigger uncomfortable emotions, which means your life gets smaller and smaller.

Psychological research on emotional avoidance shows that suppressing feelings increases anxiety over time rather than reducing it. It also reduces emotional resilience and overall life satisfaction.

Here's what's important. Pursuing happiness doesn't mean you're avoiding pain. You can enjoy a beautiful sunset, not because you're escaping sadness, but because the moment is genuinely meaningful. You can laugh with friends, not to distract yourself from anxiety, but because connection feels good.

The difference is in your intention. Are you doing something because it brings you joy? Or are you doing it to run away from something else?

Why Clinging to Joy Doesn't Work Either

Let's say you're having a really good day. Everything feels light. You're laughing. You feel connected. Things are flowing.

And then, right in the middle of it, you think: I wish this could last forever. Please don't let this end.

Suddenly, you're not fully in the moment anymore. You're already grieving its loss before it's even over. You're trying to bottle it up, preserve it, make it permanent. And the joy starts to slip away.

All emotions, including positive ones, are temporary. They're meant to come and go. If joy were constant, it would lose its meaning. Just like dashboard lights that stay on all the time stop being useful, emotions need variation to guide us.

Real joy happens when you notice it, savor it, and allow it to pass naturally, not when you demand it to stay forever.

Everything Is Temporary

All moments pass. The painful ones. The joyful ones. The boring ones. The intense ones. Nothing stays forever.

This doesn't mean you shouldn't enjoy happy moments. It means that part of their beauty comes from their fleeting nature. Weddings, births, quiet mornings, laughter with friends, they all pass. And that's exactly why we savor them.

If you cling to them with desperation, trying to make them permanent, you lose the ability to fully experience them. The goal isn't to keep joy in a jar. It's to let it breathe.

What Research Actually Shows

Recent studies have looked at two different approaches to pursuing happiness.

One approach is about seeking out activities that are likely to bring joy. Connecting with friends. Appreciating nature. Doing things you love. This tends to help people feel happier.

The other approach is about trying to cling to positive feelings and make them last. This consistently reduces happiness over time, even when researchers account for stress, loneliness, or positive events.

In other words, the way you pursue happiness matters. You can create joyful experiences. But if you then grip those experiences too tightly, demanding they never end, you sabotage yourself.

And here's what's interesting. What works for one person doesn't always work for another. Some people naturally create joy without clinging. Others unintentionally turn joy-seeking into desperation.

This is why popular advice like "focus on the positive" sometimes works wonders and sometimes feels hollow. It depends on how you're doing it.

The Healthy Middle Ground

So if avoiding pain doesn't work and clinging to joy doesn't work, what does?

The healthy middle ground is this. Approach joy with openness. Enjoy it while it's here without demanding it stay forever. Allow pain to exist. Negative emotions are part of life and don't need to be fixed or erased immediately. And engage in meaningful actions. Do things that align with what matters to you, even if they don't always feel positive in the moment.

Many people we work with in therapy describe this as one of the hardest shifts to make. They're so used to either running from feelings or trying to control them that just allowing emotions to flow feels foreign.

But it's learnable. And it changes everything.

How to Actually Enjoy Happiness

Here's what this looks like in practice.

When you experience joy, pause and notice it. You don't need to make a big production out of it. Just acknowledge it. This is a moment of happiness. Engage fully. Taste your food. Listen closely to laughter. Feel the sun on your skin. But resist the urge to mentally demand "don't end."

Allow yourself to feel the full range of emotions without judgment. Sadness, frustration, fear, they don't cancel out your joy. They coexist with it. You can be happy and also worried. Grateful and also tired. It's all allowed.

Create opportunities for joy because it's meaningful, not because you're trying to escape something else. Do things you love. Spend time with people who matter. Notice beauty in your surroundings.

And when the happy moment passes, acknowledge it with gratitude instead of panic. It happened. It was good. And there will be other good moments.

An Everyday Example

Imagine you're at a family gathering and everyone's laughing around the dinner table.

If you're avoiding uncomfortable emotions, you might force yourself to laugh along just to hide feelings of stress or sadness you don't want to deal with.

If you're clinging to happiness, you panic at the thought of the evening ending and try to force everyone to keep the fun going, or you get anxious that you're not enjoying it enough.

Both reactions miss the point. The healthy middle ground is to be fully present in the laughter, appreciate the warmth, and accept that it will end, while knowing you can create other joyful moments in the future.

You're not holding on. You're not running away. You're just here.

Getting Support

If you're struggling with anxiety, burnout, or feeling like you can't enjoy anything anymore because you're either avoiding your feelings or gripping too tightly to the good ones, therapy can help.

At Walk With Me Counseling Center, we work with people across Illinois through online therapy who are learning how to have a healthier relationship with their emotions. Our therapists are culturally responsive and trained to help you understand what's keeping you stuck and find ways to experience joy without exhausting yourself in the process.

Whether you're dealing with chronic stress, difficulty enjoying positive moments, or feeling emotionally drained from trying to control how you feel, therapy can give you tools to approach your emotional life differently.

We offer free 15-minute consultations where you can talk through what's going on and see if this feels like a good fit. We're also in network with BCBS PPO and Aetna PPO, which can make support more accessible.

You don't have to force yourself to be happy all the time. You don't have to avoid every uncomfortable feeling. You just have to learn how to let things flow. Happiness works better when it's invited, not controlled. And you don't have to figure it out alone.