How to Set Boundaries for Yourself When You're Used to Putting Everyone Else First
You're good at saying no to yourself. Too good.
You need rest. But there's laundry to do. Emails to answer. People who need you. So you push through.
You need a break. But you feel guilty taking one when there's so much to do. When other people are working. When you haven't "earned" it yet.
You need to stop. But stopping feels selfish. Lazy. Indulgent. Like you're letting people down. So you keep going until you collapse.
Your body doesn't just resist rest. It reacts to it. Slowing down can feel unsafe when your worth has always been tied to usefulness.
And then you wonder why you're burned out. Why you're resentful. Why you have nothing left to give anyone. Including yourself.
Your body doesn't just resist rest. It reacts to it. Slowing down can feel unsafe when your worth has always been tied to usefulness.
Many people we work with in therapy across Illinois describe being great at setting boundaries with tasks and terrible at setting boundaries for themselves. They'll protect their time for other people. But not for their own needs. And they don't understand why self-care feels impossible.
If you struggle to set boundaries for yourself, here's what you need to know. You can't pour from an empty cup. And constantly putting everyone else first isn't kindness. It's self-abandonment. Learning how to set boundaries without feeling guilty includes learning to protect your own needs, not just other people's.
What Self-Boundaries Actually Are
Self-boundaries aren't about limiting what you do. They're about protecting what you need.
Self-boundaries are saying: I will not work past 7pm. I will not skip meals. I will not say yes to things I don't have energy for. I will rest when I'm tired, not when everything is done.
They're the limits you set with yourself to protect your well-being. And they're just as important as the boundaries you set with other people.
Why You Don't Set Boundaries for Yourself
If you're used to putting everyone else first, self-boundaries feel wrong. Here's why.
Many people learned early that being helpful kept relationships stable. Being needed reduced conflict, disappointment, or rejection. Over time productivity stops being about achievement and becomes about emotional safety. When high-functioning burnout develops, it's not laziness—it's overfunctioning as a survival strategy.
You've been taught that rest has to be earned. That you only get to take care of yourself after you've taken care of everyone else. After you've finished everything. After you've proven you're productive enough. But there's always more to do. So you never rest.
You feel guilty prioritizing your needs. Because there's always someone who needs something. And their needs feel more urgent than yours. So you ignore your exhaustion, your hunger, your stress. And you keep giving.
You equate rest with laziness. If you're not doing something, you're wasting time. If you're relaxing, you're being unproductive. So you fill every moment with tasks. And you burn out.
You don't think your needs matter as much. Other people's needs are legitimate. Yours are optional. So you sacrifice sleep, health, and sanity to meet everyone else's expectations. And you tell yourself you're fine.
What Happens When You Don't Set Self-Boundaries
When you don't protect your own needs, here's what happens.
You burn out. You can't keep giving without replenishing. Eventually, you hit a wall. You're exhausted. Resentful. Depleted. And you have nothing left.
You get resentful. Not just at other people. At yourself. For saying yes. For not resting. For sacrificing what you needed. And that resentment eats at you.
You lose yourself. You become so focused on what everyone else needs that you forget what you need. What you want. Who you are. And you wake up one day not recognizing your own life.
When your self-worth is tied to productivity, resting feels like disappearing. So you keep producing to feel real.
Your relationships suffer. When you're burned out and resentful, you can't show up well for anyone. Not your partner. Not your friends. Not your kids. You're physically present but emotionally absent.
And your health breaks down. Chronic stress. Sleep deprivation. Ignoring your body's signals. That catches up. And when it does, you're forced to stop. But by then, the damage is done.
How to Set Boundaries for Yourself
Self-boundaries are less about discipline and more about retraining your brain to tolerate stopping.
If you're ready to protect your own needs, here's how to start.
Schedule rest like it's an appointment. If you wait until everything is done to rest, you'll never rest. Put it on your calendar. Treat it like a meeting you can't miss.
Stop when you're tired, not when you're done. There will always be more to do. Always. You don't have to finish everything before you rest. You rest so you can keep going.
Say no to yourself. "I'm not going to stay up late finishing this." "I'm not going to skip lunch." "I'm not going to check email on the weekend." Set limits with your own behavior.
Stop justifying your needs. You don't need a reason to rest. You don't need to earn a break. You're a human being. That's reason enough.
Notice when you're sacrificing yourself. Pay attention to when you're ignoring your hunger, your fatigue, your stress. That's a signal. Your body is telling you it needs something. Listen to it.
Let go of productivity guilt. Rest is not wasted time. It's necessary. You're not being lazy. You're being human.
The Difference Between Self-Care and Self-Boundaries
Self-care is what you do to take care of yourself. Bubble baths. Exercise. Hobbies. That's self-care.
Self-boundaries are what you stop doing to protect yourself. Not working on weekends. Not saying yes to things you don't have energy for. Not pushing through when your body is telling you to stop.
Self-care soothes the nervous system. Boundaries change the conditions stressing it.
You can't self-care your way out of a lack of boundaries. If you're constantly overcommitting, self-care is just a bandaid. You need boundaries to address the root cause.
When Self-Boundaries Feel Selfish
Setting boundaries for yourself will feel selfish. Especially if you've spent your life putting everyone else first.
If you were valued for what you provided rather than who you were, rest can feel like risking connection. This productivity guilt comes from believing your worth depends on what you do, not who you are.
Taking care of yourself doesn't make you selfish. It makes you sustainable. You can't keep giving if you're empty. You can't keep showing up if you're burned out. And sacrificing yourself doesn't make you a better person. It just makes you exhausted.
If this pattern shows up in work, relationships, and responsibility roles, it's usually not a time-management issue. It's a self-worth and attachment pattern that requires burnout recovery at a deeper level.
Getting Support
If you struggle to set boundaries for yourself, if you feel guilty prioritizing your needs, or if you're burned out from constantly putting everyone else first, therapy can help.
At Walk With Me Counseling Center in Chicago, we work with people across Illinois through online therapy who are learning to set boundaries for themselves, recovering from burnout, and trying to stop sacrificing their well-being for everyone else. We specialize in attachment-focused therapy and relationship trauma. Our therapists are culturally responsive and can help you develop self-boundaries that feel sustainable and aligned with who you are.
We offer free 15 minute consultations so you can talk through what's going on and see if therapy feels like the right support. Many clients are relieved to learn they can use BCBS PPO or Aetna PPO benefits to make therapy financially manageable.
Frequently Asked Questions
How do I stop feeling guilty for taking care of myself? Guilt comes from old programming that taught you to put everyone else first. The more you practice self-boundaries, the less guilty you'll feel. Your nervous system will learn that rest is safe and necessary, not selfish.
Why do I feel anxious when I try to relax? Because your brain associates stopping with loss of control or loss of approval. Anxiety is your nervous system anticipating consequences that used to happen when you slowed down—like disappointing people or being seen as lazy.
What if I rest and everything falls apart? If everything falls apart when you rest, that's a sign you're carrying too much. You're not responsible for holding everything together. And if other people can't function without you sacrificing yourself, that's a problem with the system, not with you.
How do I know if I'm being lazy or if I genuinely need rest? If you're asking this question, you're probably not lazy. Lazy people don't worry about being lazy. If you're exhausted, overwhelmed, or burned out, you need rest. Period.
What's the difference between self-boundaries and self-care? Self-care is what you do to take care of yourself. Self-boundaries are what you stop doing to protect yourself. You need both. But boundaries address the root cause of depletion, while self-care just manages the symptoms.
How do I set boundaries for myself when I have so many responsibilities? Start small. You don't have to change everything at once. Pick one boundary. "I won't work past 7pm." Or "I won't skip lunch." Enforce that one boundary consistently. Then add another. Small boundaries compound over time.
Setting boundaries for yourself isn't selfish. It's survival. You can't keep giving if you're empty. You can't keep sacrificing yourself and expect to stay whole. And protecting your own needs doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you someone who's learning to stop abandoning themselves. That's not selfishness. That's self-preservation.
