3 Signs Your Friend Might Be Toxic (And How to Handle It)
Your friend calls. You see their name on your phone and feel a knot in your stomach. You already know what they want. Help with something. Advice about their drama. Someone to vent to for an hour.
But when was the last time they asked how you were doing? When was the last time they were there when you needed support?
If this sounds familiar, you might be dealing with a toxic friendship. And the confusing part is that toxic friendships don't usually start out that way. They develop over time, so gradually that you might not even notice until you're already feeling drained, used, or smaller than you did before.
When Friendship Stops Feeling Good
Friendships are supposed to lift you up. They should feel balanced, supportive, and mostly easy. But sometimes a friendship shifts into something that leaves you feeling worse every time you hang out.
Many people we work with in therapy across Illinois describe struggling with friendships that don't feel right, but don't know if they're overreacting. They wonder if they're being too sensitive or if their friend is actually treating them poorly.
When we talk about toxic friendships, we're not labeling someone as a bad person. We're naming patterns of behavior that hurt. Your friend might be struggling themselves. But that doesn't mean the impact on you isn't real.
Here are three signs that a friendship has crossed into toxic territory:
They only show up when they need something.
Healthy friendships have balance. You support each other. You show up for each other. It's not always perfectly equal, but over time, it evens out.
In a toxic friendship, the balance is off. You're always the one giving. Offering advice. Providing emotional support. Doing favors. Being available. And when you need something, they're suddenly busy, distracted, or they minimize what you're going through.
You might notice they only text when they want something. Your needs are rarely a priority. And acts of kindness flow one way.
One person we worked with described always being the friend people called at 2am when they needed to talk. But when she was going through a hard time, those same friends didn't pick up the phone. She started to realize she wasn't actually in friendships. She was providing free therapy to people who didn't care about her life.
If this resonates, it's worth paying attention to. Friendship shouldn't feel like constantly giving with nothing coming back.
They're consistently negative or critical
True friends celebrate you. They're happy when good things happen to you. They support your goals even if they're different from theirs. They point out your strengths more than your flaws.
Toxic friends do the opposite. They always have something negative to say about your life, your choices, your goals. The criticism might be subtle, disguised as concern or honesty. But it leaves you feeling worse every time.
This doesn't mean your friend can never have a bad day or give you honest feedback. It's about the pattern. Is criticism the norm? Do you consistently leave interactions feeling smaller?
They point out what's wrong more than what's right. They seem to enjoy criticizing your choices or achievements. They make backhanded compliments that sting. And after spending time with them, you feel smaller, less confident, like you can't do anything right.
This kind of constant negativity chips away at your self-esteem. You start doubting yourself. Questioning your decisions. Feeling like you're never good enough.
A healthy friend might occasionally give you honest feedback when you ask for it. But they deliver it with kindness and they celebrate you far more than they critique you. If someone is consistently tearing you down, that's not friendship. That's toxicity.
They manipulate you to get their way
Manipulation in friendships can be hard to spot because it's often subtle. It might show up as guilt-tripping. Making you feel bad for setting boundaries. Twisting situations to make themselves the victim. Or controlling how you spend your time.
If you say no to something, they make you feel guilty. If you assert yourself, they act hurt or offended. If you try to set a boundary, they find a way to make you the bad guy.
You might notice you always feel obligated to put their needs above your own. Or that you're constantly walking on eggshells, trying not to upset them. Or that you feel controlled, like you can't make decisions without their approval.
Manipulation keeps you stuck because it makes you doubt your own reality. You start thinking maybe you are being selfish. Maybe you are overreacting. Maybe they're right, and you're wrong.
But if you consistently feel manipulated, your gut is probably telling you something important.
What to Do About It
If you recognize these patterns in a friendship, you have options. You don't have to stay stuck in something that hurts you.
Start by being honest with yourself about what's actually happening. It's easy to make excuses for people. They're going through a hard time. They didn't mean it that way. Maybe I'm being too sensitive. But if the pattern is consistent, trust what you're seeing. You're allowed to believe your experience even if they disagree with it.
Try having a conversation if the friendship feels worth saving. Tell them how you're feeling. Be specific about what you need to change. Some people genuinely don't realize their behavior is hurtful. Giving them a chance to adjust is fair.
Set boundaries around your time and energy. You don't have to be available 24/7. You don't have to tolerate criticism. You're allowed to say no. And if they can't respect your boundaries, that tells you what you need to know.
Surround yourself with people who actually celebrate you and treat you well. Notice how you feel after spending time with different people. The ones who make you feel good, energized, valued? Invest there.
And if the friendship doesn't improve, it's okay to step back or walk away. You're not obligated to stay in relationships that harm you, even if the other person is going through something difficult. Your well-being matters too.
Getting Support
If you're struggling with toxic friendships, having trouble setting boundaries, or trying to figure out which relationships to keep and which to let go, therapy can help.
At Walk With Me Counseling Center, we work with people across Illinois through online therapy who are navigating difficult friendships and relationship dynamics. Our therapists are culturally responsive and trained to help you set boundaries that protect your well-being and build the confidence to walk away from what doesn't serve you.
We offer free 15-minute consultations so you can talk through what's going on. Many people use insurance to make therapy more accessible, and we work with Aetna PPO and BCBS PPO.
You deserve friendships that lift you up, not tear you down.
What to read next:
Don't wait until a toxic friendship drains your energy. If this sounds familiar, reach out today and take the first step toward finding peace and balance in your relationships. Whether you're in Chicago or anywhere in Illinois, we're just a click away with our online services.
