How Your Attachment Style Affects Who You're Attracted To

You keep dating the same type of person. Different name, different face, but the same pattern. Emotionally unavailable. Or clingy. Or hot and cold. Or perfect on paper, but something feels off.

And you don't understand why. You know what you want. You know what a healthy relationship looks like. But when you meet someone who checks all the boxes, you feel nothing. And when you meet someone who's clearly wrong for you, you can't stop thinking about them.

It doesn't make sense. You're not trying to choose the wrong people. But you keep ending up with them anyway.

Many people we work with in online therapy across Illinois describe being confused by their own attraction patterns. They want healthy relationships. But they're drawn to people who recreate familiar dynamics. And they don't know how to change it.

Understanding how attachment styles shape attraction is one of the most common issues people explore in therapy.

If you're confused by who you're attracted to, here's what you need to know. Attraction isn't random. It's deeply influenced by your attachment style—the patterns you learned in childhood about how relationships work. And understanding that connection changes everything.

What Attachment Style Actually Means

Your attachment style is how you learned to connect with people. It develops based on your early relationships, usually with caregivers. And it shapes how you relate to people now, especially in romantic relationships.

There are four main attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. Most people fall into one of these patterns. And each one affects who you're attracted to and why.

• Secure attachment means you're comfortable with both intimacy and independence. You can be close without losing yourself. You can be apart without panicking. You trust that relationships can be stable and safe.

• Anxious attachment means you crave closeness but worry it won't last. You need reassurance. You fear abandonment. You're hyperaware of any sign that someone might be pulling away. And that fear drives a lot of your behavior in relationships.

• Avoidant attachment means you value independence over intimacy. You feel suffocated by too much closeness. You need space to feel okay. And you tend to pull away when relationships get too serious or emotional.

• Disorganized attachment means you want closeness but also fear it. You're drawn to relationships but terrified of being hurt. So you end up in push-pull dynamics where you can't fully commit but can't fully leave either.

How Attachment Style Affects Attraction

Here's the thing about attachment styles. They don't just affect how you act in relationships. They affect who you're attracted to in the first place.

If you have anxious attachment, you're often attracted to avoidant people. Because avoidant people create the exact dynamic you're used to: inconsistent availability, needing to chase, uncertainty about where you stand. It feels familiar. And familiar feels like chemistry.

If you have avoidant attachment, you're often attracted to anxious people. Because anxious people pursue you. They want closeness. They make you feel desired. But the moment they get too close, you pull away. And the cycle continues.

If you have secure attachment, you're usually attracted to other secure people. Or you can date anxious or avoidant people and help regulate the relationship. Because you're not triggered by their patterns. You can stay grounded.

And if you have disorganized attachment, you're often drawn to chaotic or unpredictable relationships. Because chaos feels normal. Stability feels boring or even threatening. So you create or seek out drama.

Why You're Attracted to the Wrong People

When people say "I'm always attracted to the wrong people," what they usually mean is "I'm attracted to people who recreate my attachment wounds." Many people ask themselves: Why do I keep dating emotionally unavailable people? Why am I attracted to avoidant partners?

You're not attracted to them because they're good for you. You're attracted to them because they feel familiar. And your brain confuses familiar with right.

If you grew up with inconsistent love, you'll be drawn to people who are inconsistent. If you grew up having to earn affection, you'll be drawn to people who make you work for it. If you grew up feeling smothered, you'll be drawn to people who give you space. Even if that space turns into distance.

Your attachment system is trying to resolve old wounds by recreating them. It's hoping that this time, it'll be different. This time, you'll get the love you needed as a child. But you're choosing people who can't give it. Because they have their own attachment wounds.

Why Healthy Feels Boring

This is the part that confuses people the most. You meet someone who's available, consistent, kind, and interested. And you feel nothing. Or worse, you feel uncomfortable.

You tell yourself there's no chemistry. That they're too nice. That something's missing. And you move on. Then you meet someone emotionally unavailable who gives you anxiety, and suddenly you're obsessed. Why do I lose attraction when someone is nice to me?

That's not chemistry. That's your attachment system recognizing a familiar pattern. The anxiety feels like passion. The uncertainty feels exciting. The need to win them over feels like love.

But secure, healthy relationships don't trigger your attachment wounds. So they don't create that intensity. And if you're used to intensity, stability feels flat.

Your brain is wired to seek what it knows. And if what it knows is anxiety and insecurity, that's what it will feel right. Even though it's not.

If you're recognizing yourself in these patterns, you're not alone. Many people struggle with an attraction that feels confusing or self-sabotaging. Understanding why this happens is the first step toward making different choices.

How Attachment Styles Create Patterns

These attraction patterns create specific relationship dynamics that repeat over and over.

• Anxious-avoidant relationships create a push-pull cycle. The anxious person chases. The avoidant person withdraws. The more the anxious person pursues, the more the avoidant person pulls back. And the more the avoidant person pulls back, the more the anxious person panics and pursues. Neither person gets what they need. But the cycle feels familiar. So they stay.

• Anxious-anxious relationships create chaos. Both people need constant reassurance. Both people fear abandonment. So they cling to each other in ways that feel suffocating. And eventually, one person pulls away because it's too intense. Which triggers the other person's abandonment fears. And the cycle continues.

• Avoidant-avoidant relationships create distance. Both people value independence. Neither wants to be vulnerable. So the relationship stays surface-level. They're together but not really connected. And eventually, they drift apart because neither is willing to go deeper.

• Secure-insecure relationships can work if the secure person has strong boundaries. But often, the insecure person's patterns trigger the secure person's stress. Or the secure person tries to fix the insecure person. And the relationship becomes unbalanced.

What Actually Changes Attraction Patterns

Understanding your attachment style doesn't immediately change who you're attracted to. But it does change how you respond to that attraction.

• You start recognizing the pattern. When you feel intense chemistry with someone, instead of assuming it's love, you ask yourself: Is this familiar? Am I drawn to them because they remind me of an old wound? That awareness creates space to make a different choice.

• You stop confusing anxiety with passion. Just because someone makes you feel anxious doesn't mean they're right for you. Just because someone makes you feel calm doesn't mean they're boring. You learn to reframe what healthy attraction feels like.

• You give secure people a real chance. Even if they don't trigger intensity. Even if they feel too easy. You stay long enough to see if the connection can develop without chaos. And often, it can.

• You work on your own attachment wounds. Through therapy. Through self-awareness. Through relationships that are safe enough to challenge your patterns. Changing attachment style is possible. But it takes intentional work.

• And you stop expecting relationships to heal childhood wounds. The right partner can't fix what your caregivers didn't give you. Only you can do that work. Relationships can support healing. But they can't be the source of it.

Reflect on Your Attraction Patterns

Take a moment to notice your own patterns. Think about the last few people you've been attracted to:

• What did they have in common? Were they emotionally available or distant? Consistent or unpredictable? Did you feel calm or anxious around them?

• How did you feel when the relationship ended or didn't work out? Relieved? Devastated? Confused about why you stayed so long?

• Think about someone you dated who was kind and available. How did that feel? Comfortable or boring? Safe or unsettling?

These aren't questions you need to answer perfectly. Just noticing your patterns is the first step toward changing them.

Getting Support

If you keep being attracted to the wrong people, if you can't figure out why healthy relationships feel wrong, or if you want to understand your attachment style and how it's affecting your relationships, therapy can help.

At Walk With Me Counseling Center in Chicago, we work with people across Illinois through online therapy who are stuck in relationship patterns they don't understand, struggling with attachment issues, and trying to break cycles that keep them from healthy love. We specialize in attachment-focused therapy and relationship trauma. Our therapists are culturally responsive and can help you explore your attachment style and develop healthier relationship patterns.

We offer free 15-minute consultations so you can talk through what's going on and see if therapy feels like the right support. Many people use insurance to make therapy more accessible, and we work with BCBS PPO and Aetna PPO.

What’s Your Attachment Style? Take This Quiz.

Frequently Asked Questions

Can you change your attachment style? Yes. Attachment styles are patterns, not permanent traits. With therapy, self-awareness, and secure relationships, you can develop a more secure attachment style over time. It takes work, but it's absolutely possible.

Why am I attracted to people who are bad for me? You're attracted to what feels familiar, not what's healthy. If you grew up with inconsistent or unavailable love, that pattern feels normal. Your brain confuses familiar with right, even when familiar is painful.

How do I know if someone is right for me or just feels boring? Ask yourself: do they feel boring because they're actually incompatible, or because they don't trigger your attachment wounds? If they're kind, consistent, and available but feel flat, give it time. Real connection can develop without chaos.

Can two insecure attachment styles have a healthy relationship? It's difficult but not impossible. Both people need to be aware of their patterns and willing to work on them. Without that awareness, insecure attachment styles tend to trigger each other and create cycles that are hard to break.

How do I stop being attracted to emotionally unavailable people? Start by understanding why they feel attractive—usually because unavailability is familiar. Then work on your own attachment wounds in therapy. And practice giving available people a real chance, even if they don't create intensity.

You're not broken for being attracted to the wrong people. You're just responding to patterns that were wired into you before you had a choice. But now you do have a choice. You can understand those patterns. Challenge them. And learn to recognize healthy love even when it doesn't feel like what you're used to. That's how attraction patterns change. Not by forcing yourself to feel differently. But by understanding why you feel the way you do and making different choices anyway.

What to read next:

• Why You Can't Leave a Toxic Relationship: Understanding the Hidden Chains

• Why You Can’t Leave Someone Who Hurts You (Even When You Know You Should)

• 7 Ways Childhood Trauma Shows Up in Adult Relationships