Why You Can’t Leave Someone Who Hurts You (Even When You Know You Should)

"I know they're not good for me. I know I deserve better. But every time I try to leave, I find myself right back where I started."

Many people we work with in therapy across Illinois say something like this. They know the relationship is bad. They know they should leave. But they can't seem to do it.

One minute, the person makes them feel like they're the only one who matters. Next, they're distant, cold, acting like everything is their fault. They tell themselves to stop caring. To stop trying. But then the person comes back, maybe with an apology, maybe just with attention, and they take them back, hoping this time will be different.

And for a little while, it is. Until the cycle starts all over again.

If you've ever wondered why it's so hard to walk away from someone who hurts you, you're not alone. And it's not because you're weak or don't know better.

Why Leaving Feels Impossible

There are specific reasons people stay in relationships that hurt them. Understanding why can help you see that you're not broken. You're just caught in patterns that are hard to break.

The sex feels too good to let go

It's not always about sex. Sometimes it's the intimacy, the closeness, the feeling of being wanted that keeps you attached.

But when it is about sex? It's not even that the sex itself is the best you've ever had. It's that you're the one doing all the work. You put in the effort, you make sure they're satisfied, and somewhere along the way, you convince yourself that their pleasure is proof that you matter.

And when they finally give you a little bit of attention? That tiny moment of intimacy feels like a reward. Like proof they still care.

But what about you? When was the last time you felt fully seen? When was the last time your needs mattered as much as theirs?

You keep thinking they'll change

If they could just see how much you love them. If they could just heal from their past. If you could just be more patient, more understanding, more something, maybe then they would love you the way you need.

You've given them chances. You've communicated. You've tried. And they're still the same.

But hope is hard to let go of. Especially when they occasionally show you glimpses of who they could be. Those glimpses keep you hanging on, thinking maybe this time it will stick.

The highs feel too good to let go of

The makeup after the fight. The "I can't live without you." The moments when they finally give you what you've been craving. Those highs are intoxicating. They make you forget how deep the lows cut.

And your brain? It gets addicted to the emotional rollercoaster. The unpredictability, the rush when things are good again. It keeps you hooked, even when it hurts.

Your nervous system gets trained to associate love with relief after pain. That's why willpower alone doesn't break this pattern.

You learned that love is something you earn

Maybe you grew up watching love come with conditions. Praise only came when you were helpful. Affection only came when you didn't make waves. You learned early that to be loved, you had to work for it. Be good. Don't ask for too much. Make yourself smaller so someone else can feel bigger.

So now, when love feels like work, when you're constantly proving your worth, it feels normal. Familiar. Even though it's exhausting.

You might not even recognize that healthy love exists because you've never experienced it. So you stay in what you know, even when what you know is hurting you.

Why Walking Away Feels So Hard

Leaving means grieving. Not just the relationship, but the dream of what it could have been. All the potential you saw. All the times you thought it would get better. Letting go of that hope is a loss all on its own.

Walking away means choosing yourself. And when you've spent so long putting someone else first, when your worth has been tied to making them happy, choosing yourself feels foreign. Selfish, even. Even though it's not.

And part of you still wonders. What if I'm wrong? What if I just tried a little harder? What if I never find love like this again?

Staying doesn't mean you're weak. It means something inside you learned to survive this way.

But here's what you need to know. Love shouldn't feel like constantly walking on eggshells just to keep the peace. Love shouldn't feel like begging to be chosen by someone who should have never had to think twice about you. Love shouldn't feel like losing yourself just to hold onto someone else.

How to Start Breaking Free

Leaving isn't just about packing a bag and walking out. It's a process. A mindset shift that happens in stages.

Start by being honest with yourself. Not about who they could be, but who they actually are. How does this relationship make you feel? Really feel. Not on the good days. On average days. On the hard days.

Talk to someone you trust. Toxic relationships thrive in isolation. The more you keep it to yourself, the more trapped you feel. A friend, a therapist, someone who will remind you of your worth when you forget.

Stop waiting for closure. You will probably never get the apology, the explanation, the accountability you're hoping for. Waiting for them to give you permission to leave keeps you stuck.

Make a plan. You don't have to leave today. But start thinking about how you could. What do you need, financially, emotionally, logistically, to walk away for good? Having a plan makes it feel more possible.

And remember this. You're not weak for staying. But you are strong enough to leave.

Getting Support

If you're stuck in a relationship that's hurting you, if you can't figure out why you keep going back, or if you're ready to break the cycle but don't know how, therapy can help.

At Walk With Me Counseling Center, we work with people across Illinois through online therapy who are trying to leave toxic relationships or understand why they keep staying. Our therapists are culturally responsive and trained in trauma-informed approaches that help you untangle what's keeping you stuck, process the grief of letting go, and build the confidence to choose yourself.

We offer free 15 minute consultations so you can talk through what's going on and see if therapy feels like the right support. Many people use insurance to make therapy more accessible, and we work with BCBS PPO and Aetna PPO.

You don't have to do this alone. Leaving is hard. But staying in something that hurts you is harder. And you deserve support as you figure out what comes next.