Why You Keep Choosing the Wrong Person
You're attracted to someone. They seem great at first. Charming, interesting, attentive. You start dating. Things are good.
And then, slowly, you start noticing things. They're emotionally unavailable. Or they're unreliable. Or they don't treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Or they're just not that interested. And you realize you've done it again. You've chosen someone who's wrong for you.
You tell yourself next time will be different. Next time you'll pick better. But then you meet someone new, and the same pattern repeats. Different person, same outcome.
And you start to wonder: what's wrong with me? Why do I keep doing this?
It's Not About Bad Luck
Many people we work with in therapy across Illinois come in thinking they just have terrible luck with relationships. They keep meeting the wrong people. If they could just find the right person, everything would be fine.
But here's what we know. If you keep choosing the same type of person over and over, it's usually not about luck. It's about patterns. Patterns you learned a long time ago about what love looks like, what you deserve, and what feels familiar.
The good news? Once you understand the pattern, you can start to change it.
Why We Choose People Who Aren't Good for Us
There are specific reasons people keep gravitating toward the wrong partners. And understanding why can help you break the cycle.
Unavailable feels familiar
If the people who were supposed to love you growing up were emotionally unavailable, distant, or inconsistent, that's what your brain learned to recognize as love. So when you meet someone who's emotionally available, consistent, and present, it might feel boring. Unfamiliar. Even uncomfortable.
But when you meet someone who's hot and cold, hard to pin down, keeps you guessing? That feels like home. Your brain recognizes the pattern, even though it's not healthy.
You're not consciously choosing unavailable people because you like suffering. You're choosing them because unavailability is what your nervous system learned to associate with love.
You're trying to fix something from your past
Sometimes we're drawn to people who remind us of someone who hurt us. A parent who was critical. A caregiver who was neglectful. Someone who made us feel like we had to earn their love.
And unconsciously, we think if we can get this new person to choose us, to love us, to treat us right, it will heal that old wound. Like we're getting a second chance to prove we're worthy.
This happens automatically, not consciously. You're not deliberately seeking out pain. Your brain is just trying to resolve something unfinished.
But it doesn't work that way. You can't heal an old wound by repeating the same dynamic with someone new.
You don't think you deserve better
If you grew up feeling like you weren't enough, like you had to work for love, like you were too much or not enough, those beliefs don't just disappear when you become an adult.
So when someone treats you poorly, a part of you thinks that's what you deserve. When someone treats you well, a part of you waits for the other shoe to drop or finds reasons why they're not good enough.
You might say you want a healthy relationship. But if deep down you don't believe you deserve one, you'll keep choosing people who confirm that belief.
The chaos feels like passion
Some people confuse intensity with connection. Drama with love. Chaos with passion.
If a relationship is calm, stable, and predictable, it feels flat. Boring. Like something's missing. Calm can feel unfamiliar or even uncomfortable in your body, like something must be wrong because nothing's urgent.
But if a relationship is full of highs and lows, fights and makeups, uncertainty and intensity, it feels alive. It feels like real love.
That's not passion. That's anxiety. But when your nervous system is used to chaos, peace can feel wrong.
You ignore red flags early on
Sometimes the pattern isn't about who you're choosing. It's about what you're ignoring.
You see red flags early. They show you who they are. But you make excuses. They're just stressed. They've been hurt before. They'll change once they get to know me better. You focus on their potential instead of their actual behavior.
And by the time you realize who they really are, you're already attached. Already invested. Already hoping things will get better.
How to Start Breaking the Pattern
Breaking this cycle isn't about trying harder to pick better people. It's about understanding why you're attracted to the people you're attracted to and doing the deeper work to change those patterns.
This sounds simple on paper, but it's hard when chemistry and hope are involved. When you feel that pull toward someone, when you're convinced this time is different, it's not easy to step back and question it.
Pay attention to who you're drawn to and why. If you notice you're attracted to someone, ask yourself what about them feels familiar. Does their emotional distance remind you of someone? Does their intensity feel like passion, or does it feel like chaos?
Notice what feels boring vs. what feels healthy. If someone being consistent and available feels boring, that's information. It might mean your brain is used to uncertainty and needs to be retrained to recognize stability as safe, not dull.
Be honest about red flags. Don't ignore behavior that doesn't align with what you say you want. If someone shows you they're unavailable, believe them. If someone treats you poorly early on, don't stay hoping they'll change.
Work on believing you deserve better. This is the hardest part. If you don't fundamentally believe you deserve love, respect, and care, you'll keep choosing people who confirm the opposite. This often requires therapy to unpack where those beliefs came from and build new ones.
Give healthy people a real chance. If you meet someone who's emotionally available, consistent, and treats you well, and it feels boring or uncomfortable, don't immediately write them off. Sit with the discomfort. Your nervous system might just be adjusting to something unfamiliar.
Getting Support
If you keep ending up in the same type of relationship, if you're tired of choosing people who aren't good for you, or if you want to understand why you're drawn to the people you're drawn to, therapy can help.
At Walk With Me Counseling Center, we work with people across Illinois through online therapy who are trying to break patterns in their relationships. Our therapists are culturally responsive and trained to help you understand where these patterns came from, why certain people feel familiar, and how to start choosing differently.
We offer free 15-minute consultations so you can talk through what's going on and see if therapy feels like the right support. Many people use insurance to make therapy more accessible, and we work with BCBS PPO and Aetna PPO.
You're not destined to keep repeating the same patterns. With awareness and support, you can start choosing people who are actually good for you. Not just people who feel familiar.
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